Question: What's better than great sex, cheesecake, Christmas, and your birthday, combined??

Answer: MONDAY NIGHT TELEVISION!!!

It finally happened: ABC, the CW, and MTV have come together to create what I believe is the MOST PERFECT night of television ever in existence. Tonight is especially great, as we have two huge season finales on the agenda.

Before we get to the big finales though, we get to whet our appetites with another juicy Gossip Girl. The Gossip Girl crew promised that the already juicy show would get even more scandalous upon its return from the writer's strike, and they certainly haven't disappointed. In a move that's 50% Lifetime movie, 50% 90210 (remember Val's blackmailing ghost from the past Ginger, played by Elisa Donovan, aka Clueless' Amber? Ah, memories), and 100% genius, they've introduced the deliciously evil character Georgina Sparks, who has returned to the Upper East Side to wreak havoc in the life of former BFF and partner in partying, Serena. Ah, teenage blackmailers-- they're the worst, aren't they? Also spicing up the season: the outing of Serena's little brother Eric, and the HUGE wedding on the horizon for the show's season finale. What do you think the odds are that the wedding doesn't go as planned? One thing's for sure: though I originally had my doubts about Gossip Girl, I can't lie-- it has me in its hooks. This show is like The OC and 90210's love child on crack, with a little bit of The Heights and Fifteen thrown in for good measure. In other words, skeezy teenage perfection.

Up next: The Bachelor. You know, I watched first couple of seasons of The Bachelor when I was in college, and they were entertaining enough. But eventually, I got sick of the charade. You see, on the show's finale, in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, every single bachelor declares his love for the girl he has chosen out of twenty-five others, the girl who has melted his heart, caused him (over the course of 4 weeks, no less), to feel true love like never before. He always proposes (although there have been a few upsets-- remember the "promise ring" Bob Guinney chose to give Estella? And, though I didn't watch it, I'm told that the last bachelor, Brad, didn't choose either girl. Now that's a risky gambit), and the girl always says yes, repeating that she also is feeling true love like never before. "I never thought I'd find a love like this," she usually says, breathless and teary-eyed. "I feel like the luckiest girl in the world."

Then, cut forward to a month later. They've broken up. She's on the cover of Us Weekly, lamenting how deceived she feels, and he's been seen making out with various girls at various LA clubs. Ah, love.

So I had thrown in the towel with The Bachelor. There were plenty of other ways for me to get my reality show fix. But then...something about this season drew me in. Sure, I started watching it because I was bored, but something about Matt was different from the bachelors of the past years. He just seems like a genuinely nice guy. He's funny, and charming. And yes, the accent doesn't hurt.

So tonight, we are told that in the most dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor history, Matt will propose to the love of his life. Who will it be-- dramatic, high maintenance, Hollywood "actress" Shayne, or athletic, non-romantic, no-nonsense Chelsea?

My money is on Shayne. You can't fake chemistry, and Matt and Shayne obviously have it. He's been drawn to her from day one. Sure, she's a little superficial, and she has way too many shoes. But honestly, I think despite himself, Matt loves her superficiality and vanity. Plus, her family was hilarious. Plus, IMHO, Chelsea is just a little too...mannish. I mean, girl threw down on the rugby field.

Of course, at the same time Matt is declaring his never-ending love for one special woman, shit will be going down over in Lala land on MTV's The Hills. This season has brought on many surprises: Justin Bobby can be likable!?! Audrina can stand up for herself?!? Spencer is a lazy douchebag?!? Okay, so that last one is no shocker, but this season, The Hills has managed to shake things up a little. Whitney and Lauren got new "jobs" after "quitting" their old "jobs" at Teen Vogue. Heidi was deemed a feminist hero by the New York Times. Lauren and Audrina's once sturdy friendship is disappearing like sands through the hourglass, and Lo is swiftly moving in to take Audrina's spot as BFF. This season also saw the return of Laguna Beach alum and Hayden Panetierre-ex Stephen Coletti, as well as the arrival of Stephanie "She-Pratt" Pratt as a regular character. It was, all in all, a pretty good season.

But alas, all good things must come to an end, and tonight's episode is the finale. Will Lauren and Audrina be able to salvage their friendship? Will Spencer win Heidi back in a ill-planned surprise trip to Vegas (seriously-- what was he thinking? Awkward...)? These questions and more will be answered...although I'm sure new questions will be raised, because the girls are already hard at work filming the next season (two suggestions for that, by the way: More Brody!! I feel like we hardly got to see him at all this season. And also, how about a little guest appearance by Ms. Kristin Cavalleri? Maybe she and Spencer could have a friendly encounter at Les Deux! That would really get some people worked up).

Whew! That is a lot of television goodness. Don't even try to get in touch with me tonight. I'll be enjoying this perfect storm of viewing pleasure.

Hey Vh1, Got a Minute?

You know, as a television channel, you've had a real knack lately for exposing the seedy, ugly underbelly of former child stars. You gave us the hard-drinking, hard-drugging ways of Danny Bonaduce in Breaking Bonaduce, but that didn't really bother me, as I was never a big Partridge Family fan myself. You took it a step further with Celebrity Fit Club, showing us how much of a douchebag Dustin "Screech" Diamond has become in his post-SBTB struggle for life, as well as how fat Maureen "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" McKormick got after life as the perfect Brady ended. Again, these 'revelations' didn't bother me so much because, a. Who really didn't suspect Screech was a dick, and b. Marcia Brady getting fat is kind of the equivalent of the perfect, usually mean, popular girl you sat behind in high school showing up at the reunion with an extra thirty pounds on her. Petty satisfactions derived from personal insecurities and grudges are some of the best to be had.

So never let it be said that I don't have a (somewhat sick) appreciation for the exposed deterioration of a child star.

But this, Vh1? With this, you've gone too far. When I was in grade school, there was nothing I loved more than returning home from school, tossing my bookbag on the kitchen counter, pouring up a nice bowl of Cracklin' Oat Bran, and watching a little tele. Now, as I got older, Saved by the Bell and California Dreams would fall into sydication, thus occupying my afternoon television hour (s). Still, in the early years, my heart belonged to one show and one show only: Charles in Charge. Oh, how I wanted Charles to be in charge of my days and my nights, my wrongs and my rights. When I think about Scott Baio, I want to remember sweet ol' Charles gently scolding brainy Sarah and sexy Jamie, or happening onto one of Adam or Buddy's hairbrained schemes. I want to think about how warm and fuzzy the theme song made me feel, just upon hearing those opening notes. What I don't want to think about is Scott Baio's "mid-life crisis of mythic proportions." According to Vh1,

Each episode, he will have to confront another chapter from his semi-sordid past, by actually reconnecting with some of his most substantial and combustible flames in order to get the bottom of his bad-boy behavior.

I don't want to know about Scott Baio's bad boy behavior! I just don't. Way to pee on another one of my childhood memories, Vh1. What's next? An expose of Stacie Keanan's foray into prostitution after My Two Dads? And whatever happened to that baby dinosaur from Dinosaurs? I'm sure he's cracked out somewhere; maybe you could haul him in for a reality show or two. Sigh. Just don't touch any of the cast from Just the Ten of Us, okay Vh1? I don't think my heart could take it.

NUMBER SEVEN!!

Dear God. I almost forgot about this song.

Uncle Jesse!

D-listed has posted a Youtube video of John Stamos being interviewed for some Australian talk show with a severe case of "jet lag," which apparently causes all sorts of fun slurring of words, random requests for vodka, etc. Hey, "jet lag" has never had those kind of effects on me, but my name's not Jesse Katsopolis. In honor of the video, my top ten John Stamos moments (only two of which are not from Full House, because really, what else has he done?)

1. The Full House episode in which Uncle Jesse, deciding that the band Jesse and the Rippers needs a revamped image, descends the Smash Club stage suspended by a rope, flapping his arms and making vulture cries.
2. The mullet of season one, along with the turquoise henley tee and black jeans.
3. The "have mercy" that fell from Uncle Jesse's lips every time Aunt Becky would lay one on him.
4. "Michelle's Smiling." Beautiful songwriting, people.
5. When former Stamos wife, Rebecca Romijn, announced that the first time they had sex was at Disneyland, which completely ruins the fact that Uncle Jesse and Rebecca "Aunt Becky" Donaldson got married at Disneyland.
6. The propel fitness water commercial that he's in, mainly because I can't figure out for the life of me why the hell he's in it.
7. Number seven...hmmm, numberrrrrrr seven.

Ummmm...it's really hard to come up with ten. We'll just leave it at Wednesday's Top Six. You know, quality over quantity, and all that.

Baby Genius

Somebody needs to get this kid on Kid Nation, but somehow I have a feeling it's going to more like this kid.

More Fall TV Delight...

Please tell me who allows their child to participate in this.

The Reality Show We've All Been Waiting For...

Brought to you of course by Vh1: the Salt n' Pepper reunion show. Awesome.

I hate to say I told you so...

...but dear God last night was awful. I actually really do hate it that I was right in my predictions, because I really do like Kate Walsh. But dear God last night was awful. The warning signs were there from the very beginning, such as the fact that the writers/producers/WHOEVER chose to intersperse the new Addison-based series with the regular Grey's episode, rather than showing them sequentially. Ah, the old bait and hook. Clearly they knew that given the choice, viewers would turn off the Addison series within the first fifteen, maybe twenty minutes. Probably about thirty seconds after that voice spoke to her in the elevator, if we're being totally honest here. And so they gave us no choice. Of course I'm going to watch, because I want to see Sandra Oh in a wedding dress. So not only were the Addison segments painful to watch out of sheer badness, I was also feeling very, very resentful towards the cunning bastards who decided to exploit my addiction to the regular characters of Grey's for the benefit of the new show. I mean, it was a smart move and all, but after a few glasses of wine, I was pretty pissed off.

But now onto the actual segments themselves, and why they were so bad, so very, very bad. First of all, I was having a hard time grasping who half the characters were in the first place. It seemed like all of the male characters were really just ripped off versions of Alex Karev, and I didn't care about any of them. There was severe lack of character development going on here, with the men and women. Apparently, the writers had two main strategies for attempting to divert our attention away from said lack:

1. Feed the viewers SO MUCH FREAKIN' HISTORY that they get so bogged down with trying to figure it all out they can't even remember their own name, much less notice how much the characters suck. Someone's divorced from someone else and they both went to med school with Addison and now they work with a sex addict who is "just friends but who are they kidding" with another person they work with who dated some old guy who wasn't the marrying type who's now married to someone who can't be older than 25. And that doesn't even cover Tim "maybe they'll just automatically like me because I played Joe Hackett on Wings and everybody loved that show" Daly's character. Whose name escapes me. Yeah. A lot of information about a lot of characters that I developed a lot of disdain for within the first ten minutes or so.

2. Distract the viewers with sex! Sex! SEX!!! I mean, yeah, it's a good tension builder, and yeah, people are interested in sex, but COME ON. Every single freakin' plot line? The sex addict pediatrician. The sex-obsessed kind-hearted player who used to be Joe Hackett. And smaller things too: Addison's little elevator revelation at the beginning (which was so not Addison). Addison's makeout session with the sex-obsessed kind-hearted player who used to be Joe Hackett (also so not Addison). And my personal favorite: the fact that, to "relax," these assumably intelligent women doctors settle down into the waiting room couch and watch the surfer receptionist make his way through the office with his surfboard. With no shirt on. There are so many things wrong with that, but we'll leave it at the fact that, more than being offensive or sexist or whatever, it's just stupid.

Bad show. Very, very bad show. Let's all hope, for Kate Walsh's sake, that the producers realize this as well, and allow Addison to simply return to Seattle Grace and remain there. We can all pretend that what we saw last night just never happened, and continue on with a new, fresh appreciation for how good we have it with regular ol' Grey's.

Let the Countdown to the Grey's Spinoff Begin

I swear, I'll blog about things other than Grey's Anatomy. But tonight is a BIG night. Reasons why I absolutely do not think this spinoff will work:

1. Do we REALLY care about Addison that much? I mean, yeah, she's got great hair, and she's kind of sassy, and I liked it when she danced with the Chief a few episodes back. And she gave us one of the Greatest Moments of Grey's Anatomy, when she walked into Seattle Grace on the finale of season one, smirked at Meredith with disdain and said, "You must be the intern who's sleeping with my husband." BAM. That was a cliffhanger. And that was an entrance. Unfortunately, I have a feeling deep within my soul that her exit will not be quite as affective.

2. Along with the question, Do we really care about Addison that much, I think we must ask ourselves if we really think that Kate Walsh is a good enough actress to carry a new show all on her own. Nothing annoys me more than when an actor turns his or her back on the very show that made them a star in the first place. Does Kate Walsh not remember David Caruso and his self-implemented departure from NYPD Blue? Did she not see the movie Jade? (Whose tagline, quite accurately, was "Sometimes fantasies go too far." I'll say. Poor David Caruso and his fantasy that he might actually have a career in feature films.) Although I'll always be grateful for Caruso leaving, as it allowed Mark-Paul Gosselaar to re-enter the world of television (and actually achieve no small amount of redemption), I don't think you'll find a single person who would argue that it was a good career move. And spinoffs are especially hard...remember the debacle that was Joey? All I'm saying is, the odds are against her.

3. The premise of the show, according to US Weekly, is as follows:

"Addison road-trips to Santa Monica, California to visit her med school pals, who now run a chic wellness clinic-- replete with a new-agey shaman!"

Look, I'm already getting a little bit sick of Miranda's charity clinic. Do I really want to devote an hour of my life to watching a tv show about a 'chic wellness clinic' ? Just that description gets on my nerves.

But hey, it could be great. Only time will tell. In any case, US Weekly also says that this week's episode will have Sandra Oh searching for a wedding dress, which I have a feeling will be nothing less than great. Now she could have a spinoff. I'd watch that shit.

the post where I talk about grey's anatomy

Specifically, the character of Meredith Grey. Whom I hate. I will say, she has gotten better these last few episodes, as the whining has ceased and we've actually seen her (gasp!) smile a few times. But as one of my friends pointed out at dinner the other night, Grey's Anatomy has a problem that seems to afflict a lot of television shows: their main character is really, really annoying. Dawson Leary? Annoying as hell. Angela Chase? SOOOOO annoying (and come on, she was up against Brian Krakow and Rayanne Graff...you know it's bad when you come off as annoying even next to those two). Lauren Conrad? Okay, refreshingly less annoying on The Hills than she was on Laguna Beach, but again, I think it's an issue of the juxtaposition: all she has to do is keep hanging out with Heidi and Spencer, and there's no way she'll be the most annoying person on that show.

But I digress. The conversation I was having with my friends gradually turned to Ellen Pompeo getting punk'd on MTV a few seasons back, an episode which surprisingly few people saw. And this is unfortunate, because it is AMAZING. I think the reason that I hold Meredith in such disdain is because, after viewing said Punk'd episode, I realized just how freakin' crazy Ellen Pompeo is in real life. She is a badass bitch. And not a "Hollywood" badass bitch (ahem, Courtney Love...), but truly, truly, a badass bitch. She is a badass bitch who will cut you. She is a badass bitch who will (as you will see) go to lunch in what appears to be an angelic, white, flowy nightgown, and then proceed to say of the waitress, "I just can't believe this broad is sweating me like this at this table...she'll get attention. She'll get it from the prongs right in her clavicle." And all of this while delicately eating crab cakes (that apparently don't do much for her). If that's not the anti-Meredith, I don't know what is.

Go here to see the awesomeness that is Ellen Pompeo being punk'd.