Friday, June 29, 2007

Stephanie Tanner!

I guess we know how Jodie Sweetin spent all of the money she saved by quitting crystal meth.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Spice Girls Reunion Tour

This news makes me wanna really really really wanna zigazig ahhhh. Maybe they could secure Ace of Base as an opening act. That would pretty much make my life complete. I hope they all have fun new "Spice" names. For instance, instead of being "Scary" Spice, Mel B. could be "I got knocked up by Eddie Murphy and he didn't want to claim the baby as his own but I made him get a paternity test and it proved he was the father and now his bitch ass is gonna pay" Spice.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


Dear God. I almost forgot about this song.

Uncle Jesse!

D-listed has posted a Youtube video of John Stamos being interviewed for some Australian talk show with a severe case of "jet lag," which apparently causes all sorts of fun slurring of words, random requests for vodka, etc. Hey, "jet lag" has never had those kind of effects on me, but my name's not Jesse Katsopolis. In honor of the video, my top ten John Stamos moments (only two of which are not from Full House, because really, what else has he done?)

1. The Full House episode in which Uncle Jesse, deciding that the band Jesse and the Rippers needs a revamped image, descends the Smash Club stage suspended by a rope, flapping his arms and making vulture cries.
2. The mullet of season one, along with the turquoise henley tee and black jeans.
3. The "have mercy" that fell from Uncle Jesse's lips every time Aunt Becky would lay one on him.
4. "Michelle's Smiling." Beautiful songwriting, people.
5. When former Stamos wife, Rebecca Romijn, announced that the first time they had sex was at Disneyland, which completely ruins the fact that Uncle Jesse and Rebecca "Aunt Becky" Donaldson got married at Disneyland.
6. The propel fitness water commercial that he's in, mainly because I can't figure out for the life of me why the hell he's in it.
7. Number seven...hmmm, numberrrrrrr seven.'s really hard to come up with ten. We'll just leave it at Wednesday's Top Six. You know, quality over quantity, and all that.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


Somebody do this test on Tom Cruise!

Monday, June 25, 2007


When I think about Nicole Kidman, several questions come to mind. What was going through her head when she decided to star in the remake of Bewitched? What does she really think of Tom and Katie? Why did she get paid 12 million dollars to twirl around in a dress and proclaim "I'm a dancer! I love to dance!!" in that Baz Luhrmann-directed two minute long Chanel ad? Why does she keep insisting on dying her hair blonde when she looks so amazing as a redhead? etc, etc, etc.

When I think about Nicole Kidman, one thing that never comes to mind is Nintendo. Apparently that's all about to change.

Baby Genius

Somebody needs to get this kid on Kid Nation, but somehow I have a feeling it's going to more like this kid.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

More Fall TV Delight...

Please tell me who allows their child to participate in this.

The Reality Show We've All Been Waiting For...

Brought to you of course by Vh1: the Salt n' Pepper reunion show. Awesome.

Sunday, June 17, 2007


Jess, you cutie pie! You totally took my advice!*

*see paragraph 4

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Oh, Ms. Tyra

You know, I always wonder what exactly Tyra means when she urges the girls to be fierce on America's Next Top Model. I think this pretty much encapsulates it. Yow.

Candy Spelling Hits Again

Apparently her letters to Paris and Joe Francis only served to whet her appetite. Candy Spelling sent this letter to Britney Spears, again via TMZ. And you know, she actually pretty much says what the rest of us have been thinking concerning the Britney situation for last last eight months. So to you, Candy Spelling, I say "Brava!" Of course, it's still pretty strange for you to be sending out these random letters, and it's a little strange also that you feel you have the right to judge these people when your own daughter is a homewrecking husband-stealer and your son is walking around town dressed like this at the age of 29. But, ahem, my initial message to you was brava, and brava it shall stay. After all, someone needs to let Britney know that the obvious solution to so many of these problems is simply to " Visit someone famous in jail and attract a zillion photographers." Ah, because what Britney needs is more attention from the photogs. Wait, huh? Candy, that doesn't make much sense. But I can't stay mad at you, you crazy old bat. Brava, Candy, brava.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


Looks like Mrs. Cruise got a new haircut, which I was totally digging until someone pointed out this.

Nancy Drew and the Case of the Outer Undergarment Dress

You know, I read a lot of Nancy Drew as a child. I mean, sure, there were other series that I held closer to my heart. In fact, because it's top ten Wednesday, that list would probably go a little something like this:

1. Sweet Valley High
2. Sweet Valley Twins and Friends (No, they are NOT the same.)
3. The Baby-Sitter's Club
4. Fear Street
5. Nightmare Hall
6. Goosebumps
7. The Boxcar Children
8. The Laura Ingalls Wilder collection
9. A series whose name I cannot for the life of me remember involving two mystery solving sisters (I think one of the girls was named Cris...although now that I think about it, that seems a little suspect. Is anyone really named Cris? Sigh...). The only title I remember in said collection: The Jellybean Scheme. PLEASE contact me if you remember this series. Thank you.
10. Nancy Drew whole point here is that, though I reached for Elizabeth and Jessica first, I had my fair share of Nancy as well. I liked the old-fashionedness of it all: the fact that the girls (Nancy, Bess, and George) were referred to as "sleuths;" the fact that Nancy's bf's name was Ned (which just sounds old-fashioned); and especially, especially, especially the covers. I loved the Nancy Drew book covers. Nancy was always crouching down, peering into a window, furtively hauling away a clock/charm/locket/diary/candlestick, etc. And she was always dressed quite smartly. Which is why this saddens me. Emma Roberts, young niece of the lovely Julia Roberts, is the star of the soon to be released film, Nancy Drew (tagline: "Get a Clue").

To be honest, I have no beef with Emma Roberts. Pre-"stardom," she often graced the pages of my Teen Vogue's, and she always looked pretty good. I mean, she's cute, she seems sweet, and she certainly has the connections needed to make it big in Hollywood. But I still don't want to see a sixteen year old walking around with the imprint of a black lace bra on her otherwise sensible, chic gray sheath. I just don't. Especially when that girl is just months away from bringing to life one of the much-loved literary figures of my childhood. Next thing you know, they'll cast Mary Kate and Ashley in the big screen adaptation of Sweet Valley High. Which actually, now that I think about it, would be nothing short of phenomenal.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Au Revoir, Katie

Well, Katie is heading away from my hometown as I write this. Sadly, it has become very clear to me all too late how easy it would have been to befriend Mrs. Cruise. All I had to do was don my giant cupcake costume. Oh well...good to know for next time.

Thursday, June 7, 2007


Seriously? A reality tv show about a TANNING SALON?? I mean, I know it's summer, and I know that almost anything can be translated into a reality tv show (ahem, My Super Sweet 16), but COME ON! There has got to be something more interesting out there to base a reality show around. I remember one day in the office, a certain young fiction fellow pontificated on the prospect of a tv show based on the lives of young writers in MFA programs. Doesn't seem so bad now, does it?

This Bird Has Flown...

Well, that didn't last long.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Wednesday Top Ten

In order to liven things up a bit, I've resorted to a weekly top ten topic. Although, considering how much fun it is making up top ten lists, this might become a more frequent event. In honor of my earlier Katie Holmes post, I give you:

Top Ten Celebrities I Really, Truly Think I Could Be Very Good Friends With

1. Keri Russell. She just seems so sweet in a completely unassuming way. Very down to earth. Plus, she used to be a dancer, so I could bug her with questions about the dance world: is it really like Center Stage/The Turning Point/The Company? I could also ask her questions about one of my favorite shows of all time, the little remembered Malibu Shores. And I could ask her if Scott Foley or Scott Speedman is a better kisser? Or (gasp) Simon Rex? And I could ask her if Amy Jo Johnson is as annoying in real life as the characters she portrays on television (and by television I mean Felicity and about twenty Lifetime Original Movies). The list of questions goes on and on.
2. Katie Holmes, whom I would ask considerably less questions, as I do not wish to be offed by a member of the Scientology maffia.
3. Lindsay Lohan, circa 2004. This was a precious time in La Lohan's life. She was still riding the high of Mean Girls and newly developed, huge breasts, but hadn't yet been hospitalized on the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded due to heat exhaustian. This first hospitalization would lead to the twenty pound weight loss that would lead to music producer Tony Mattola telling her how good she looked, which would lead to another twenty pounds down the drain via drugs, starvation, etc., which would lead to mood swings and paranoia, which would lead to her being dumped by Wilmer and thus would lead to La Lohan being tied to a string of dirty (Stavros Niarchos, Jude Law) and dirtier (Calum Best) men, which would lead to more drugs and alcohol, which would lead to a mean letter from a movie producer, a car wreck, rehab, a car wreck, and rehab. Whew. La Lohan 2004, however, is a friend that everyone needs. This is the friend who will go out and get just a little bit drunker than you every night you go out, thus leading you to say in the morning, "Yeah, but at least I wasn't as wasted as YOU were!" If you kiss a boy, La Lohan 2004 flashes another one. If you wake up not knowing where your bra went, La Lohan stumbles into the living room wearing only a t-shirt, no underwear. She makes you feel clean by being just a little bit dirtier than you. Which leads me to...
4. Jennifer Garner, who has the opposite effect. She is always going to be a little bit sweeter, a little bit cleaner, and a little bit more like Martha Stewart that you will ever be. It's called balance, people.
5. Sandrah Oh. Just someone I think I'd want on my side.
6. Alexis Bleidel, aka Rory Gilmore, because deep down I'm pretty sure she's a badass. Plus, it would lead to a bonus friendship with Lauren Graham, aka Lorelai Gilmore.
7. Maggie Gyllenhaal
8. Rachel McAdams
9. Ginnifer Goodwin, a la "Big Love," even though the spelling of her name annoys me, and she's dating the highly obnoxious ex of my #2 BFF, Katie Holmes.
10. *cough* Kelly Ripa *cough* I'm sorry!!! I LOVE HER!! I can't help it...I completely understand how untolerable she is at best, and yet I still LOVE HER. It's shameful, I know.

There you have it. Now I just have to start sending out letters and friendship bracelets. Surely one of these ladies would be friends with me?

Tuesday, June 5, 2007


Does anyone else think that Salma Hayek got REALLY pregnant REALLY fast? And I thought her breasts were out of control before...

Loose doo-doo? Never heard of it...

The temptation to somehow use this in my composition class is too much. I mean, it is the "argot of young people," after all.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

No Fair!!!!

I want a thank you note from Katie Holmes!!!!