Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Sharon Stone and Dalai Lama = BFF's...Who Knew?

Apparently Sharon Stone, who claims that the Dalai Lama is a good friend, thinks that it is socially appropriate to blame the earthquake in China on karma. She thinks that the karmic forces were lashing out at the Chinese people as a response to their mistreatment of the Tibetans. Interesting. Not at all crazy.

This reminds me of when I first moved to Indiana, back in 2005. I had only been there for about a month when Hurricane Katrina hit. A few days after the hurricane, I was riding to school on the local trolley when an old man started talking to me about all of it. We agreed that it was horrible and very sad. Before I was able to tell him that I was from Louisiana, he said to me, "But you know, I don't think it's a coincidence that God chose New Orleans." Huh?!? "I mean, it's common knowledge that Louisiana is the most sinful state in the nation." Ah, of course! I should know that, being from the state and all. Isn't that in our state slogan? "The Sportsman's Paradise...And Land of Great Sinners!"

It's always a good idea to blame major natural disasters on people's bad behavior. Sharon Stone and the crazy trolley man have figured it all out. What I want to know is, when will karma get back at Sharon for Basic Instinct 2? And for this? And this? I mean, come on karma! I know you're busy doling out earthquakes and what not, but these crimes against humanity should not go unpunished.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Big Weekend

So, while some of us spent our weekend catching up on tivo'ed Jeopardy episodes, others were engaging in far more exciting activities: Ashlee Simpson tied the knot this weekend at a private ceremony (performed by Papa Joe, who is not at all creepy and who I totally would want officiating my wedding (if he could keep his eyes off his other daughter's chest long enough to perform the ceremony...I mean, "They're double D's...you can't cover those suckers up!")). Anywho, the whole thing happened pretty quickly after the engagement announcement...I think there's a word for that...shotgun, is it? You know, I hope the pregnancy rumors are true, because if they turn out to be false, then it means the Simpson camp generated them as a pathetic attempt to drum up publicity for Ashlee's new album, and, seeing as the album didn't exactly, ahem, soar off the charts, the whole fake pregnancy thing would be for naught.

But, anyway, back to the wedding. Many details have spilled out via the internet over the last couple of days. Some details are typical-- Ashlee wore a Monique Lhuillier dress, Mindy Weiss was the wedding planner, there were 150 guests, etc. Other details are slightly more entertaining-- apparently Pete's english bulldog Hemingway served as the ringbearer (I am totally in favor of integrating pets into wedding ceremonies), and according to several sources, poor little Jessica was feeling a bit old-maidy throughout the night. To be fair, two or three years ago, no one could have guessed that the Succesful Simpson Sister Switcheroo (SSSS) would have been so drastic. Even those who spotted it in its early stages surely wouldn't have thought it could go so far as to see Ashlee married, beautiful (thanks to a little help from Dr. Raj), and expecting, and Jessica still single (c'mon, she and Tony are totally broken up) and mourning the loss of John Mayer as her friend CaCee Cobb vomits under the table at Mexican restaurants. Oy.

But anyway, back to the wedding. Okay, so with all the details coming out, there is one that really stood out to me. Apprently Simpson the Younger chose Alice and Wonderland as her wedding theme. Hmmm. Yep, nothing says "elegant shotgun wedding" like slapping a children's book theme onto it. I would be pissed if that were the theme to my high school Sadie Hawkins dance, much less my wedding. Seriously, do you think they just decided, "Ah, screw it, I'm already knocked up, you've already exposed your genitals to the world at large via sidekick-- the world has already lost their respect for us, so let's just make this wedding as cheesy as possible..."?

Of course, celebrity wedding themes are nothing new. There's the ever-popular, "Let's Show The World How Fabulously Wealthy We Are!!!" theme, demonstrated here, and here. Or, in the complete opposite direction, there's the "We Don't Care How Rich and Famous We Are, We're Doing This in Secret, So There!!" theme, demonstrated here, and here. And finally, a theme that only recently has become popular, but is taking the B-list celebrity world by storm: "We're Not That Rich, and We're Not That Famous, But We've Suckered a TV Network and/or Various Businesses Into Sponsoring Our Wedding So That We Don't Have to Pay for a Damn Thing (Yes, It Feels Good Selling Our Souls, Thanks For Asking)" demonstrated here, here, and here.

Anywho. Read about the Simpson/Wentz nuptials in all their Alice in Wonderland glory here. On a final note, any wedding theme that finds a way to include favors reading "Eat Me" is maybe not all that bad.

Friday, May 16, 2008

No Cover Girl??!?

Since much of this week has been about revisiting the 90's, let's kick the weekend off with this footage of NKOTB performing on the Today Show. The performance is a medley of several of their hits, including "Hangin' Tough," "Step by Step," and, of course, "The Right Stuff." I was disappointed that they didn't feature my personal favorite, "Cover Girl," but I guess that's a song only true NKOTB aficionados appreciate. They'll probably save it for their Storytellers performance. The cameras give a lot of love to Jordan and Joey, but kind of pass over the other guys, which seems a little unfair. I also think it's hilarious (and completely fitting) that the crowd looks to be composed solely of 25-35 year old women. Click here to watch the performance for yourself. Oh, and welcome to 1994.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Worlds Colliding

Wow. In a move that can only be described as 90's television shock and awe, I've discovered that none other than Lori Loughlin, aka Full House's very own Aunt Becky, has been tapped to play the bizarro world Mrs. Walsh in the new 90210 spin off. In this People.com video, she leads an interview with the rest of the new cast members.

How foolish of me. I was only thinking about past 90210 characters that I'd like to see return to the show. It never occured to me to extend that net over 90's television in general. Why stop with Aunt Becky? Is Perfect Strangers' Balki Bartokomous available to play the foreign language teacher? Or what about Ug or Donkeylips from Salute Your Shorts? Or, they could make the ultimate powerhouse move, and throw in Richard Belding as the principal. I don't think Dennis Haskins is busy. Next time I talk to him, I'll see if he's interested.

Summer Lovin'

I've been so concerned with the onscreen romance of Gossip Girl's Serena van der Woodsen and Dan Humphrey that I almost passed over the real life romance developing between Blake Lively and Penn Badgley. Though they've denied any sort of romantic relationship in the past, I'd say these pictures of the two of them in Mexico speak for themselves. Shout out to Amory for tipping me off to them :-)

Now that Blake and Penn are obviously together, I'd like to see some more real-life GG pairings. What about Taylor Momsen (little J) and Matthew Settle (her father, one-time rocker Rufus Humphrey)? Sure, he's like 25 years older than her, but it would be just like when Barry "Greg Brady" Williams hooked up with Florence "Carol Brady" Henderson. Off-screen romances between on-screen parents and children are hot. Totally not creepy at all.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Wednesday Top Ten

Now that Jennie Garth and possibly Tori Spelling have confirmed their intentions of returning to the CW spin off of Beverly Hills, 90210, I've been thinking about which other characters I'd like to see revisiting the show. You can't sign on too many of the big names, because then it's just 90210 II: Lordy, Lordy, Look Who's Forty (and fifty, and approaching sixty, seventy, and possibly eighty? (ahem, Nat)). So, while I think they should try capping it off with the return of Kelly and Donna, I am fully in favor of seeing the return of some more minor characters. So, for this Wednesday's top ten, I give you:

Top Ten Characters I'd Like to See in the 90210 Spin off

10. Tara, the crazy rehab girl who stalked Kelly a la Single White Female. In fact, since Kelly is already returning to the show, why not just duplicate that same storyline? The target audience is a younger crowd anyway; none of them watched the original. The "Kelly has a stalker" plot could last three or four episodes, easily. I should get paid for this.

9. Trisha, the Olympics-bound ice skater who melted Brandon's heart in season two. She taught him hard lessons about dedication and sacrifice; he taught her the beauty of burritos.

8. Rick (played by none other than Lois and Clark's Dean Cain), the goofy American who somehow does not totally see through Brenda's fake French accent ("Reek! Zees iz a sooprize!"), and returns in later episodes to sing a little karaoke with Mr. Walsh.

7. Ray Pruitt. Just to hear him sing "How Do You Talk to an Angel?"

6. Jack McKay. Now, things get a little foggy here for me. Even I have my limits, and I stopped watching the show for the last couple of seasons. But I seem to recall that Dylan eventually discovered that Jack was not dead at all, that he, in fact, had faked his death via car bomb, and was happily living with a new family in, say, Wisconsin. If this is so, then I totally want Jack McKay to return. Any man who can fake his own death if okay by me.

5. Hannah, the love child of Andrea and Jesse, who surely is knocked up, or roaming the streets as a prostitute by now, which leads me to...

4. Erica, Dylan's little sister who roamed the streets as a prostitute after being kidnapped and taken hostage in Mexico by her own parents.

3. Felice Martin, Donna's mother. Every show needs a hypocritical bitch of a mother to spice things up a bit. Why create a new character for this when Felice is already so good at it?

2. Color Me Badd, who arrived at the Peach Pit just in time to cheer Donna up with a little impromptu performance of "I Adore Mi Amor" after she learned that her mother was having an affair, and FINALLY

1. Emily Valentine. Because nobody, and I mean, nobody, does bat shit crazy like Emily Valentine.

Monday, May 12, 2008

This is terrifying...

Imagine taking your children for a lovely picnic in the park and witnessing this. You know, I don't think a child would get over that. I think you'd be scarred for life.

Question: What's better than great sex, cheesecake, Christmas, and your birthday, combined??


It finally happened: ABC, the CW, and MTV have come together to create what I believe is the MOST PERFECT night of television ever in existence. Tonight is especially great, as we have two huge season finales on the agenda.

Before we get to the big finales though, we get to whet our appetites with another juicy Gossip Girl. The Gossip Girl crew promised that the already juicy show would get even more scandalous upon its return from the writer's strike, and they certainly haven't disappointed. In a move that's 50% Lifetime movie, 50% 90210 (remember Val's blackmailing ghost from the past Ginger, played by Elisa Donovan, aka Clueless' Amber? Ah, memories), and 100% genius, they've introduced the deliciously evil character Georgina Sparks, who has returned to the Upper East Side to wreak havoc in the life of former BFF and partner in partying, Serena. Ah, teenage blackmailers-- they're the worst, aren't they? Also spicing up the season: the outing of Serena's little brother Eric, and the HUGE wedding on the horizon for the show's season finale. What do you think the odds are that the wedding doesn't go as planned? One thing's for sure: though I originally had my doubts about Gossip Girl, I can't lie-- it has me in its hooks. This show is like The OC and 90210's love child on crack, with a little bit of The Heights and Fifteen thrown in for good measure. In other words, skeezy teenage perfection.

Up next: The Bachelor. You know, I watched first couple of seasons of The Bachelor when I was in college, and they were entertaining enough. But eventually, I got sick of the charade. You see, on the show's finale, in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, every single bachelor declares his love for the girl he has chosen out of twenty-five others, the girl who has melted his heart, caused him (over the course of 4 weeks, no less), to feel true love like never before. He always proposes (although there have been a few upsets-- remember the "promise ring" Bob Guinney chose to give Estella? And, though I didn't watch it, I'm told that the last bachelor, Brad, didn't choose either girl. Now that's a risky gambit), and the girl always says yes, repeating that she also is feeling true love like never before. "I never thought I'd find a love like this," she usually says, breathless and teary-eyed. "I feel like the luckiest girl in the world."

Then, cut forward to a month later. They've broken up. She's on the cover of Us Weekly, lamenting how deceived she feels, and he's been seen making out with various girls at various LA clubs. Ah, love.

So I had thrown in the towel with The Bachelor. There were plenty of other ways for me to get my reality show fix. But then...something about this season drew me in. Sure, I started watching it because I was bored, but something about Matt was different from the bachelors of the past years. He just seems like a genuinely nice guy. He's funny, and charming. And yes, the accent doesn't hurt.

So tonight, we are told that in the most dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor history, Matt will propose to the love of his life. Who will it be-- dramatic, high maintenance, Hollywood "actress" Shayne, or athletic, non-romantic, no-nonsense Chelsea?

My money is on Shayne. You can't fake chemistry, and Matt and Shayne obviously have it. He's been drawn to her from day one. Sure, she's a little superficial, and she has way too many shoes. But honestly, I think despite himself, Matt loves her superficiality and vanity. Plus, her family was hilarious. Plus, IMHO, Chelsea is just a little too...mannish. I mean, girl threw down on the rugby field.

Of course, at the same time Matt is declaring his never-ending love for one special woman, shit will be going down over in Lala land on MTV's The Hills. This season has brought on many surprises: Justin Bobby can be likable!?! Audrina can stand up for herself?!? Spencer is a lazy douchebag?!? Okay, so that last one is no shocker, but this season, The Hills has managed to shake things up a little. Whitney and Lauren got new "jobs" after "quitting" their old "jobs" at Teen Vogue. Heidi was deemed a feminist hero by the New York Times. Lauren and Audrina's once sturdy friendship is disappearing like sands through the hourglass, and Lo is swiftly moving in to take Audrina's spot as BFF. This season also saw the return of Laguna Beach alum and Hayden Panetierre-ex Stephen Coletti, as well as the arrival of Stephanie "She-Pratt" Pratt as a regular character. It was, all in all, a pretty good season.

But alas, all good things must come to an end, and tonight's episode is the finale. Will Lauren and Audrina be able to salvage their friendship? Will Spencer win Heidi back in a ill-planned surprise trip to Vegas (seriously-- what was he thinking? Awkward...)? These questions and more will be answered...although I'm sure new questions will be raised, because the girls are already hard at work filming the next season (two suggestions for that, by the way: More Brody!! I feel like we hardly got to see him at all this season. And also, how about a little guest appearance by Ms. Kristin Cavalleri? Maybe she and Spencer could have a friendly encounter at Les Deux! That would really get some people worked up).

Whew! That is a lot of television goodness. Don't even try to get in touch with me tonight. I'll be enjoying this perfect storm of viewing pleasure.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

*UPDATE* Dina Lohan: Mom of the Year

Looks like Lilo's pop was none too happy about his ex-wife receiving the Mingling Moms award. Read all about it in this Page Six article. Geez, Michael, tell us how you really feel.

Summer = Unflattering Bathing Suit Pictures of Celebrities

Now, let me start by saying I totally sympathize with Mischa Barton on the whole "cellulite photos" issue. Would I want some creepface paparazzi stalking me on my Australian vacation, and then selling the pictures, thus prompting the world (aka tabloid magazines) to take note of my "cottage cheese butt" (their words, not mine)? Of course not. Plain and simple, that has to suck.

However, I think there could be silver lining here. After all, it certainly helps Mischa, who, by all accounts is exceptionally beautiful, to appear more human to her public audience. Who knows? Maybe all of this cellulite nonsense will even help her to secure some big time movie role where she get all uglified to play, say, a serial killer or a miner or a sweatshop worker or a fat person, thus securing her Oscar nominee and her role as a Hollywood heavy hitter and, more importantly, a serious actress. For real.

Still, if the cellulite pictures prove anything, it's that Mischa is, after all, only human. And that's why this picture paired with her response statement stumps me. If a set of extremely unflattering pictures of me had just been released around the world, I feel like it would be my natural inclination to spend the next month or so making absolutely sure that I looked smoking hot every time I left my house. That's just human instinct. Self-preservation, etc. Apparently Mischa feels differently. I'm not saying she has to get all dolled up in an evening gown, but Jesus-- high-waisted chinos? Come on, girl. What would Rachel Bilson say?

John Mayer's Funny, Part Two

Sorry for another John Mayer post so soon...but to further the John Mayer = Cool debate, I give you this Judd Apatow-directed video on Funny or Die in which he explain how songs get written. Just a little morning laugh for ya. And I promise, no more John Mayer posts (unless he and Jen get engaged or something) for a while.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Big Butts = Healthy

I know this has nothing to do with celebrities (well, maybe Kim Kardashian), but this headline on Yahoo! news cracked me up: Scientists Find Something Good About a Big Bottom. Just in time for swimsuit season.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Dina Lohan: Mom of the Year

I really like this story about Dina Lohan being honored with an award for her mothering skills. Apparently the award is coming from the "Mingling Moms" association. I will say, I admire Dina's persistence. I mean, now that Lindsay's transition from Adorable, Fresh-Faced Rising Star to Twice-Rehabed, All the Drugs and Alcohol and Eating Disorders Had to Take Their Toll on My Face Eventually, Yeah, I'm Wearing Leggings Again, What of It? 22 year-old is almost complete, Dina has made the executive decision to throw her energy not into reviving poor old LiLo's career, but rather building up the career of a younger, fresher Lohan: Ali.

Ali Lohan is like Lindsay 2.0. I mean, it took a lot of hard work over the course of a decade to get Lindsay fully looking like a 40 year-old at the age of 22. Ali, on the other hand, has accomplished the same feat at the tender age of 13. That's pretty impressive. With a little luck and a lot of hard work and determination, I'd say Ali could be in rehab by the age of 16. Hey, that's only a few years later than Drew Barrymore!

So it's good that the Mingling Moms have taken notice of Dina's hard work and decided to give her the honor she deserves. But why stop there? I'm sure Candy Spelling and Lynne Spears would be happy to stop by the awards luncheon as well. Lynne could read an excerpt from her yet-to-be published parenting book, and Candy could fire off some more open letters to random celebrities she's never met. Throw in some crudite and petit fours, and you've got yourself a delightful Mother's Day luncheon. Count me in, Mingling Mothers, count me in.

Monday, May 5, 2008

No Jumping on the Couch? Lame.

Tom Cruise has been in the news lately for the broadcast of his returning visit to Oprah, in which there is nary a couch-jump to be seen. However, also newsworthy is the website he is launching in celebration of the 25th anniversary of Risky Business. Ah, nothing like a little modesty when all of the movies you've released as of late have been...well, let's just say they weren't Rain Man (ahem, Lions for Lambs).

Ah, he probably knows he needs all the promotional help he can get-- after all, word on the street is less than favorable for Tom's latest project, Valkyrie, which has now been pushed back on its release date not once, but twice, to February '09 (it was originally slotted for June).

But fear not, Cruise fans. Tom promises to keep us up-to-date with ALL his big projects. On the website, in a personal message, Tom writes, "I created this site as a thank you, to you, for sharing the journey with me and to invite you to continue to explore what the future will bring."

Thanks Tom! That's awfully kind of you!

Also included on the site: a montage of clips from Tom's films set to the theme of 2001: A Space Odyssey, as well a category called "What's New," which provides a link to his Oprah appearance. I guess that's the future we're supposed to be exploring? That is exciting.

However, notably missing: the Tom Cruise scientology video, which I have provided here for you in all its glory. I guess he thought it would be unprofessional or something to put it on his official site. It's nice to see that he has some boundaries.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Holy Engagement Ring!

I finally got an closeup view of Ashlee "Is She or Isn't She pregnant?" Simpson's engagement ring, and it is a ROCK. It kind of reminds me of the "pink diamond" "engagement ring," that Spencer "bought" and "proposed to" Heidi with last season on The Hills.*

*By this, I am of course referring to the piece of crap, pink amethyst ring which Spencer charged to his BFF Brody Jenner's credit card.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Celebrities-- They're Just Like Us!! They Have Too Much Time on Their Hands in the Summer!!

Much as the languid days of summer have left me with all the time in the world to devote to things like blogging, reading Little Women, and watching 7 (count 'em) episodes of America's Next Top Model in a row, John Mayer seems to have similarly found himself in need of a summer project.

I've always had mixed feelings about John Mayer. And by this, I'm not really talking about his music, most of which I'm just kind of indifferent towards. I know I could get in trouble for even saying that, because his music does seem to stir up feelings of intense nausea for many people. For me, however, it just stirs up...nothing. I don't hate his music; I just don't really care about it one way or the other. This is very similar to how I feel about Anne Hathaway, and I Am Legend, and Oklahoma, and feta cheese.

So when I say I've always had mixed feeling about John Mayer, I guess I'm talking more about his "personal life," as they say. I mean, this is the guy who seemed to attempt to turn Jessica Simpson into a dark-haired, artistic, "deep-thinking" person. I remember at one point in their relationship, she was talking about, bless her heart, releasing a book of photographs she had taken of clouds. He also let her leave the house in this. So those are obvious points against him.

However, scoring several points in his favor is John Mayer Has a TV Show, the show in which he, among other things, dresses in a bear costume outside of one of his own concerts in order to interact anonymously with the fans. This show is genuinely very funny, and makes me think the whole Jessica Simpson thing was just an embarrassing, big-boobed sidetrack on his way to bigger and better things (say, Jennifer Anison?).

Anyways, also scoring points in his favor is the newest project he has taken on, detailed here in his personal blog. The basic plan? To get his hair looking as close as possible to one Alex P. Keaton, aka Michael J. Fox.* It's moments like this when I think I can ignore "Your Body Is a Wonderland" and just focus on the ironic, jackass side of John Mayer. That's the side I like. And for this project, I applaud you sir.

*little known fact: Michael "J" Fox's real name was actually Michael Andrew Fox, aka Michael "A" Fox. He changed it as he found himself making the transition from normal person to celebrity, as he didn't want his fans to think him a cocky bastard by making the statement "Michael's a fox" with his initial. Share that at the next cocktail party you find yourself at...the people will love you.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Heidi Montag: Devil? Living Barbie? You decide...


It's still pretty early in the AM, so various aspects of this post might make you throw up in your mouth just a little.

You know, there are a lot of things I don't get about Heidi Montag. For example, I'll never understand why she thought it was a good idea to go from this to this. I mean, I'm sure an 18 year-old boy could tell me why it's a GREAT idea, but honestly, it was a lot easier to tolerate her when she was just a giddy, fresh-faced (albeit flat-chested) 19 year-old.

I also don't get this. Or this.

But here's what I really don't get. There seems to be a huge disconnect between what she says on The Hills, and what she does to get attention. In this new season, it seems like we've heard her complain, usually several times in a single episode, about how she just "doesn't get" Lauren, and the fact that she's still holding a grudge against Heidi. She looks at Audrina with her mouth open (because her mouth is always open) as if completely bewildered, and says things like, "I mean, I'm cool with Lauren. I'm over it. I wish we could all just be cool again. You know?" And Audrina nods back, lazy eye all glazed over, as usual.

But then she goes on the Tyra Banks show to talk about the infamous sex tape, the very cause of much of their strife (well, that, and the fact that Heidi totally sold Lauren out for Jenn Bunny in the second season, which, frankly, I'd still be mad about too).

And then she uses her stepbrother's death to, yet again, vilify Lauren. Seriously, has the girl got no soul?

On a smaller note having to do less with morality (or lack therof) and more with the crime against humanity that is hotpants, I don't get her fashion line. Go here to read the Fug Girls' hilarious recount of their own battle with Heidiwood.

And be sure to pick up the new Rolling Stone, featuring all the girls from The Hills. Seriously, that photoshoot had to be the definition of awkward. Oh, wait. I guess the "Higher" video has already claimed that honor.