But What About the Surfer Receptionist?

In the first of hopefully many steps geared towards slowing down Private Practice's one-way trip to Suckville, USA, show creator Shonda Rhimes has said of the god-awful talking elevator, "I don't know if it will be back." She also made the astute observation that George and Izzy may not be the love story of the century. Wha??!? Read more about what she had to say during the press tour here.

I Am My Mother's Daughter

Sorry I've been slow on the posting lately; the big move is coming along slowly but surely. My parents rolled into town last weekend and I was talking about the blog a bit, so my mother checked it out on Tuesday when they got back down to good ol' Louisiana. Upon reading the Tori Spelling post, my mother proved herself to be nothing short of genius when she e-mailed me with this suggestion:

"with Dylan now on the John From Cincinnati HBO show he might be too busy to do the wedding, but I think Brandon might be a good alternative (and maybe they could get David to do the music that he's so good at)."

Now do you see where I get it from?

How could I forget about David's short-lived but glorious music career (yes, I'm using that term loosely)? "You're So Precious to Me (Am I Precious to You)" was nothing short of musical genius. I searched for it on Youtube, but alas, the closest thing I found was this. In all fairness, I think it still captures the wonder that was 19 year-old Brian Austin Green.

Somewhere Betsy Ross is Crying

A long, long time ago, when I was but a freshman in high school, I attended my first 'senior party.' I don't remember much from it except that I drank too many strawberry wine coolers and got sick in the bushes (how high school freshman girl cliche is that?), and that another girl, also a freshman, showed up wearing nothing but a confederate flag bikini, thus enforcing every Southern white trash stereotype ever. I think there was a pool, but I wouldn't swear on it. This girl's name was Courtney Cox, and she would return to the confederate flag motif for her senior pictures page in the yearbook, which included a glamour shot of her wearing a shiny silver bustier, pressed up against a trailer, as well as a shot of her wrapped in a confederate flag. Don't ask me how these pictures were even allowed to make their way into the yearbook. It still baffles me.

Anywho, that was the trashiest use I've ever seen of the "flag" bikini that was so popular in the nineties. But this runs a close second.

Donna Martin Graduates!!!!...from online ordainment school.

Wow. That pretty much sums it up. Wow. You know, I've always thought that Tori Spelling was good for three things: 1. Stealing husbands, 2. rounding out the cast of 90210 with one of the most obnoxious television characters in the history of ever, and 3. starring in some of my all-time favorite LOM's (Lifetime Original Movies...come on, people).

Who knew she was also possessed the grace and spiritual poise needed to join couples in holy matrimony?

You can read all about the ceremony via Tori's myspace page. If there were such a thing as a stereotypical "gay" wedding, I'm pretty sure this would be it. Apparently one of the grooms performed a number from Cabaret.

ps- Just this summer, two couples near and dear to my heart became engaged. You know who you are. Just think about how awesome it would be if Donna Martin married you next summer. Or, why stop there? What about Luke Perry? Ooooh, or the guy who played Nat! What was his name? Joe E. Tata? What a comforting, familiar face to meet at the end of the walk down the aisle! Then after the ceremony, you could have him fire up some megaburgers at the reception hall. I'm just saying...

Hey, Hold the Phone!

What's that you say, Us Weekly, dropped delicately into my mailbox mere hours after my original Scott Baio post? You're telling me that Scott Baio Is 45...and Single isn't the typical celebreality that we're used to from Vh1? You say that this "low-key show is all about growth," as opposed to "glorified celeb train wrecks" do you? Well, I'll have to see it first. Although I will say, one little tidbit of information that peaks my interest of which I was not previously aware is that Jason Hervey, aka The Wonder Years' Dwayne Arnold, is "in Baio's entourage." I wonder if he still owns that yellow and orange striped shirt they always seemed to have him in, episode after episode? I wonder if he still keeps in touch with Fred Savage, or Danica McKellar? Hmmm...maybe Vh1 could do a reality show based around the life of Jason Hervey instead. Just something to consider.

ps- US Weekly also informs me that Nicole Richie is indeed pregnant. According to Us, Richie was photographed on June 29th looking "unusually bosomy." That's the medical term, right?

Hey Vh1, Got a Minute?

You know, as a television channel, you've had a real knack lately for exposing the seedy, ugly underbelly of former child stars. You gave us the hard-drinking, hard-drugging ways of Danny Bonaduce in Breaking Bonaduce, but that didn't really bother me, as I was never a big Partridge Family fan myself. You took it a step further with Celebrity Fit Club, showing us how much of a douchebag Dustin "Screech" Diamond has become in his post-SBTB struggle for life, as well as how fat Maureen "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" McKormick got after life as the perfect Brady ended. Again, these 'revelations' didn't bother me so much because, a. Who really didn't suspect Screech was a dick, and b. Marcia Brady getting fat is kind of the equivalent of the perfect, usually mean, popular girl you sat behind in high school showing up at the reunion with an extra thirty pounds on her. Petty satisfactions derived from personal insecurities and grudges are some of the best to be had.

So never let it be said that I don't have a (somewhat sick) appreciation for the exposed deterioration of a child star.

But this, Vh1? With this, you've gone too far. When I was in grade school, there was nothing I loved more than returning home from school, tossing my bookbag on the kitchen counter, pouring up a nice bowl of Cracklin' Oat Bran, and watching a little tele. Now, as I got older, Saved by the Bell and California Dreams would fall into sydication, thus occupying my afternoon television hour (s). Still, in the early years, my heart belonged to one show and one show only: Charles in Charge. Oh, how I wanted Charles to be in charge of my days and my nights, my wrongs and my rights. When I think about Scott Baio, I want to remember sweet ol' Charles gently scolding brainy Sarah and sexy Jamie, or happening onto one of Adam or Buddy's hairbrained schemes. I want to think about how warm and fuzzy the theme song made me feel, just upon hearing those opening notes. What I don't want to think about is Scott Baio's "mid-life crisis of mythic proportions." According to Vh1,

Each episode, he will have to confront another chapter from his semi-sordid past, by actually reconnecting with some of his most substantial and combustible flames in order to get the bottom of his bad-boy behavior.

I don't want to know about Scott Baio's bad boy behavior! I just don't. Way to pee on another one of my childhood memories, Vh1. What's next? An expose of Stacie Keanan's foray into prostitution after My Two Dads? And whatever happened to that baby dinosaur from Dinosaurs? I'm sure he's cracked out somewhere; maybe you could haul him in for a reality show or two. Sigh. Just don't touch any of the cast from Just the Ten of Us, okay Vh1? I don't think my heart could take it.

Dear Sweet Lord...

Let us break the aforementioned moment of silence for this little bit of gossip. If it's true, may God rest our souls. Wasn't Nicole Richie getting knocked up one of the signs of the Apocalypse? Check the Bible; I swear it's in there.

On another note, I feel really bad for Lionel Richie in this interview. Doesn't it seem like Nicole has been giving him the silent treatment, and he just hasn't caught on? That's the worst.

On another note, I've been trying to coin a phrase for these celebrity baby posts, and I've got two that I'm wrestling with: celebabies, and celebritots. Preferences, people? The future of all Suri/Shiloh/"Dear God, how did my mom even become pregnant with me, she weighs 85 pounds!?!-Richie" posts is in your hands.

A Moment of Silence...

...as another Fourth of July passes, and we think back to older days, better days, the days of the Saved by the Bell: Malibu Sands episodes. Think back specifically to a little episode the writers cleverly deemed "The Fourth of July," in which one Lisa Turtle, one Kelly Kapowski, one Jesse Spanno, and one Stacey Carosi competed for the glory and honor of the Miss Liberty Pageant crown. A moment of silence for Stacey Carosi's dress. Remember the spangles? The way the red, white and blue sequins were sewn to resemble fireworks exploding all over her body, indeed representative of the fiery little firecracker that she herself was? Remember poor Kelly and her dress that appeared to be homemade out of special edition Fourth of July napkins? And Jesse in her statue of liberty costume (Frankly, I've seen better. In fact, I saw better yesterday, to be specific.)? Remember the speeches? How to Stacey, the Fourth of July was all about "family and freedom, fireworks and friends. That's the fourth." Never let it be said that Stacey Carosi didn't know how to use alliteration to her advantage. It seemed like it was going to work, too, until Kelly pulled out the forefathers card. You can't beat the forefathers card in a Fourth of July pageant. Well played, Kapowski, well played. A moment of silence indeed...