Hey Vh1, Got a Minute?

You know, as a television channel, you've had a real knack lately for exposing the seedy, ugly underbelly of former child stars. You gave us the hard-drinking, hard-drugging ways of Danny Bonaduce in Breaking Bonaduce, but that didn't really bother me, as I was never a big Partridge Family fan myself. You took it a step further with Celebrity Fit Club, showing us how much of a douchebag Dustin "Screech" Diamond has become in his post-SBTB struggle for life, as well as how fat Maureen "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" McKormick got after life as the perfect Brady ended. Again, these 'revelations' didn't bother me so much because, a. Who really didn't suspect Screech was a dick, and b. Marcia Brady getting fat is kind of the equivalent of the perfect, usually mean, popular girl you sat behind in high school showing up at the reunion with an extra thirty pounds on her. Petty satisfactions derived from personal insecurities and grudges are some of the best to be had.

So never let it be said that I don't have a (somewhat sick) appreciation for the exposed deterioration of a child star.

But this, Vh1? With this, you've gone too far. When I was in grade school, there was nothing I loved more than returning home from school, tossing my bookbag on the kitchen counter, pouring up a nice bowl of Cracklin' Oat Bran, and watching a little tele. Now, as I got older, Saved by the Bell and California Dreams would fall into sydication, thus occupying my afternoon television hour (s). Still, in the early years, my heart belonged to one show and one show only: Charles in Charge. Oh, how I wanted Charles to be in charge of my days and my nights, my wrongs and my rights. When I think about Scott Baio, I want to remember sweet ol' Charles gently scolding brainy Sarah and sexy Jamie, or happening onto one of Adam or Buddy's hairbrained schemes. I want to think about how warm and fuzzy the theme song made me feel, just upon hearing those opening notes. What I don't want to think about is Scott Baio's "mid-life crisis of mythic proportions." According to Vh1,

Each episode, he will have to confront another chapter from his semi-sordid past, by actually reconnecting with some of his most substantial and combustible flames in order to get the bottom of his bad-boy behavior.

I don't want to know about Scott Baio's bad boy behavior! I just don't. Way to pee on another one of my childhood memories, Vh1. What's next? An expose of Stacie Keanan's foray into prostitution after My Two Dads? And whatever happened to that baby dinosaur from Dinosaurs? I'm sure he's cracked out somewhere; maybe you could haul him in for a reality show or two. Sigh. Just don't touch any of the cast from Just the Ten of Us, okay Vh1? I don't think my heart could take it.