Off the Wagon

Okay, I admit it: I caved. I got home last night tired, in a bad mood, and just wanting to sit down and relax with some old friends. So I did it, even though I said I wouldn't. Even though I swore it was over. These people had screwed me over for the last time.

Ironically, the Grey's episode last night was about addictions...you know, the things we keep doing even though we know they're no good for us? Ahem...yeah.

But I will say, I know I'm a bit biased, what with my addiction and all, but I think last night's episode was better...a bit more reminiscent of Grey's episodes of days past.

Oh well. I got my fix. And next week I'm quitting FOR REAL.*

*even as I type this I know it is in no way true
**Decent as Grey's was, it lacked one thing that Gossip Girl was completely willing and able to give me on Wednesday night: an a cappella version of Fergie's "Glamorous Life." Absolutely phenomenal.

Gwyneth Paltrow Will Eat Her Way Through Spain?

Yes, Gwyneth Paltrow Will Eat Her Way Through Spain. Okay. I guess I have no real problem with this. I mean, I like it when celebrities take on huge gastronomical endeavors as much as the next person. I guess it just seems a bit odd. I mean, this is Gwyneth "Macro (or was it Micro)biotic" Paltrow. Gwyneth "Yes, My Kids Can Have a Sugary Birthday Cake if They Really Want It; It Just Means I'll Love Them Less*" Paltrow.

True, she seems to have lightened up quite a bit in her still relatively new married-with-kids lifestyle. But she's still just so...proper. Not that there isn't a place for proper, beautiful, cultured women in the world of food. Giada and Nigella come to mind, of course. I guess I can just think of a lot of other celebrities that I'd rather watch eat their way through Spain, if only for pure entertainment value.

Top Five Celebrities I'd Like To See Eat Their Way Through Spain

5. Jessica Simpson. She complained so much about food during Newlyweds when Nick took her anywhere but Tony Roma's. I'd like to see her reaction to a big plate of fried squid.

4. Cameron Diaz. To find out if she's really telling the truth when she talks about what a big appetite she has. I mean, her mouth is certainly big enough for it.

3. Drew Barrymore. Because I think she'd actually eat the food, and actually like it. And compare it to flowers, or butterflies making love in a forest.

2. Penelope Cruz. Sexy and Spanish.

1. America Ferrera. Because you could call it "America eats Spain."

*I can't find a link to this, but does anyone else remember this interview? I remember it because she called the birthday cakes "fairy cakes," which I thought was hilarious. Oh well. It was a while back.

It's Not Personal, It's Business

I know this was a few days ago, but I forgot to mention how completely BADASS it was when Elodie just blatantly screwed over Heidi on the latest episode of The Hills. Talk about a symbolic bitch slap. There was some major fist pumping going on from my spot on the couch. It was a proud moment in Hills-tory.

Another Hills note: does anyone else wonder what happens when they cut away from the scene right as Heidi and Spencer begin to talk about why he hasn't told his parents about their engagement? It's happened three times now...it's not like the producers of the show to avoid a major fight, so what the hell is that about?

Robo-bootylicious

Beyonce has had to cancel tour dates in Malaysia due to the country's strict body exposure policies. But I'm wondering if it had less to do with her sexy dance moves and more to do with this picture.

<------------------------

Everyone knows Malaysia is nothing if not a nation against robots. Bastards.

Can you imagine dancing in that thing?

Fun distraction...

What a completely ridiculous way to avoid writing a paper about Yeats and subversion. Careful...it's addictive. Beat my high score of 24, and I'll give you a kiss.

Quote of the Day

From my shiny new Us Weekly, in which Heidi "Deep Thinker" Montag explains her "revenge" breast augmention and nose job:

"But surgery is a very big deal. Right before I went in, I was like, What if I don't wake up? Oh, this is scary. Then I thought, I don't care. If I don't wake up, it's worth it."

It's worth it because...at least you'll have big boobs in your coffin? Explain this reasoning to me.

Really? A deer?!?

Well, I'm glad I've got Gossip Girl, because Grey's Anatomy is clearly going downhill fast. Anyone else watch the premiere tonight? I was hoping it might have just been Addison and Dr. Burke bringing the entire cast down, but I don't think that's the case at all. This wasn't just bad; it was Private Practice bad. As one of my viewing companions noted tonight, Issiah Washington might have made the best move of all-- he got out. I mean, yeah, he was forced out, but at least he didn't have to stick around and watch Katherine Heigl (whom I am inclined to see as severely overrated in terms of acting skills...prove me wrong, Katherine! Prove me wrong!), aka Izzie Stevens, spend the entire episode bringing a deer back to life. Geez.

Spotted, in her bedroom: A. returning to her blog, ashamed that she ever let it go for so long...

We knew it had to happen sometime. I keep trying to be all serious and work on poetry and papers, but like a moth to the flame, the pale coin called me back. I'm sure you're wondering exactly which piece of gossip was so good that I just had to report it. I myself, in this little hiatus, have been wondering, "Hmmm, I wonder what it will be. What will be SO juicy, SO amazing, that I will HAVE to turn my eyes away from "greater" academic endeavors and report back to the coin." Well my friends, the answer is not in fact a single piece of gossip, but rather an entire broadcasting of it: S and B. Lonely Boy. GOSSIP GIRL.

Okay, when I first learned about this series, I'll admit, I was excited about it only in the muted, half-hearted way I was excited about, say, "Palmetto Pointe," and "Summerland" and even "Central Park West." These shows all promise to be the next 90210 or OC, and inevitably disappoint. Oh no, I wasn't getting my hopes up about Gossip Girl. I vowed that I would stay strong. But as the advertisements got longer and more revealing, my resolve weakened. With each preview, with each playing of Fergie's G.L.A.M...well, you know the rest. Anyway, I began to get more and more excited, until by the time the actual premier came, I WAS PUMPED (certain people can attest to this). And lo and behold, Gossip Girl did not let me down.

The second episode aired last night, and I'll say this: I'm still enamored. If 90210, the O.C., and Cruel Intentions all had a freakly little love child (much as, some are speculating, Serena did last year in "boarding school"), this would be it. Even the names are amazing; get a little bit of this: Serena van der Woodsen. Blair Waldorf. Nate Archiblaid. It's as if they took all of the names of the 19th century tycoons and put them through anagram software. The dialogue, too, is all I could expect and much, much more. Upon being told that Serena is back in town, Chuck, resident Upper East side bad guy, swirls his scotch and declares with the perfect mix of bordeom and disdain, "Good...it was beginning to get a bit dull around here." Mind you, he is all of sixteen. Ah, Gossip Girl.

Now that I've made clear my immediate love for this show, here's the beef: exactly how much can creator Josh Schwartz rip off from his other baby, The OC, before people start to get a little miffed? Cause I'm telling you, once you notice it, you REALLY notice it. There's the expression of conflicted teen angst that Serena assumes about every five minutes, like when she tells Nate "I didn't come back for you!" This expression is Marissa Cooper, through and through. Furrowed brow. Slight parting of the lips. Shaking that perfect head of blonde hair. Hey, Mischa, don't worry; they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Also eerily OC: the Kirsten and Sandy Cohen look-alike parents (at least they're not married, although it's clear we can expect a hook-up sometime soon). The witty geek a la Seth Cohen (I bet Dan owns a lot of Death Cab for Cutie...). Even the Rooney playing in the background, because nothing says Upper East side brunch like Rooney.

None of this is changing my love for the GG, of course. I'm just saying, I think it can stand on its own...it needs no help from the OC, which got pretty bad after the first two seasons anyway. Mr. Schwartz needs to allow GG a chance to get away from its older sibling, a chance to come into its own. After all, everyone knows the second child is usually the cooler one.

I'm ba-aaaack

It's been a long few weeks, and what with the move and the trip to the lovely Pacific Northwest, my blog postings were definitely sacrificed. I played around with the idea of putting the blog on permanent hiatus until next summer, as much of my time and effort needs to be going into my MFA thesis this year, and not so much whether Kate Hudson is making a huge mistake by allowing her son to ride on the shoulders of Dax Shephard. Then I laughed. OF COURSE I need to occupy my time with celebrity news! Anyway, I'm going to try for a while. The posts may be fewer and farther between, but they'll be coming.


Anyway, looks like I returned to the blogosphere just in time. Jenna Bush is either fat or pregnant (props to Ben for that link...). The Hills' new season is off to a fantastic, Heidi vs. Lauren, yes, you have to pick a side, and how on earth could anyone be on Heidi's side, she dates such a skeeze ball, start. And, perhaps most important to me, as a poet, the lovely Victoria Beckham has decided to try her ginormous-ring studded hand at writing again, after the smash success of 2005's Learning to Fly: The Autobiography.

Now, I have no real problem with this. I agree that Posh exudes a certain kind of admirable confidence, despite doing, as far as I can tell, very close to nothing career-wise (post-Spice World, of course). And she definitely has a style all her own. It's just that, when one mentions "style," I can't help but think of a little bit more than just fashion, and when it comes to lifestyle choices, I really don't see myself wanting to take advice from somone who has what appear to be hard-as-rocks cantaloupe breasts, wears size negative-zero leather pants, names her child Romeo, and, perhaps most tellingly, counts the Cruise clan as dear friends. But that's just me.

Still, it got me thinking about which contemporary celebrities I'd actually like to see write a style guide, and here's a few that came to mind:

1. Cate Blanchett
2. Aerin Lauder
3. Claire Danes
4. Kate Winslet
5. Giada DeLaurentis
6. Natalie Portman
7. Charlotte Gainsbourg
8. Thandie Newton
9. Amanda Peet
10. Britney Spears

Of course, there are plenty of others, but I think each of these women could offer some serious advice on personal style. Advice that goes further than "I dress sexily - but not in an obvious way. Sexy in a virginal way." Oh, Posh...nothing about you is virignal. That's why we love you.

But What About the Surfer Receptionist?

In the first of hopefully many steps geared towards slowing down Private Practice's one-way trip to Suckville, USA, show creator Shonda Rhimes has said of the god-awful talking elevator, "I don't know if it will be back." She also made the astute observation that George and Izzy may not be the love story of the century. Wha??!? Read more about what she had to say during the press tour here.

I Am My Mother's Daughter

Sorry I've been slow on the posting lately; the big move is coming along slowly but surely. My parents rolled into town last weekend and I was talking about the blog a bit, so my mother checked it out on Tuesday when they got back down to good ol' Louisiana. Upon reading the Tori Spelling post, my mother proved herself to be nothing short of genius when she e-mailed me with this suggestion:

"with Dylan now on the John From Cincinnati HBO show he might be too busy to do the wedding, but I think Brandon might be a good alternative (and maybe they could get David to do the music that he's so good at)."

Now do you see where I get it from?

How could I forget about David's short-lived but glorious music career (yes, I'm using that term loosely)? "You're So Precious to Me (Am I Precious to You)" was nothing short of musical genius. I searched for it on Youtube, but alas, the closest thing I found was this. In all fairness, I think it still captures the wonder that was 19 year-old Brian Austin Green.

Somewhere Betsy Ross is Crying

A long, long time ago, when I was but a freshman in high school, I attended my first 'senior party.' I don't remember much from it except that I drank too many strawberry wine coolers and got sick in the bushes (how high school freshman girl cliche is that?), and that another girl, also a freshman, showed up wearing nothing but a confederate flag bikini, thus enforcing every Southern white trash stereotype ever. I think there was a pool, but I wouldn't swear on it. This girl's name was Courtney Cox, and she would return to the confederate flag motif for her senior pictures page in the yearbook, which included a glamour shot of her wearing a shiny silver bustier, pressed up against a trailer, as well as a shot of her wrapped in a confederate flag. Don't ask me how these pictures were even allowed to make their way into the yearbook. It still baffles me.

Anywho, that was the trashiest use I've ever seen of the "flag" bikini that was so popular in the nineties. But this runs a close second.

Donna Martin Graduates!!!!...from online ordainment school.

Wow. That pretty much sums it up. Wow. You know, I've always thought that Tori Spelling was good for three things: 1. Stealing husbands, 2. rounding out the cast of 90210 with one of the most obnoxious television characters in the history of ever, and 3. starring in some of my all-time favorite LOM's (Lifetime Original Movies...come on, people).

Who knew she was also possessed the grace and spiritual poise needed to join couples in holy matrimony?

You can read all about the ceremony via Tori's myspace page. If there were such a thing as a stereotypical "gay" wedding, I'm pretty sure this would be it. Apparently one of the grooms performed a number from Cabaret.

ps- Just this summer, two couples near and dear to my heart became engaged. You know who you are. Just think about how awesome it would be if Donna Martin married you next summer. Or, why stop there? What about Luke Perry? Ooooh, or the guy who played Nat! What was his name? Joe E. Tata? What a comforting, familiar face to meet at the end of the walk down the aisle! Then after the ceremony, you could have him fire up some megaburgers at the reception hall. I'm just saying...

Hey, Hold the Phone!

What's that you say, Us Weekly, dropped delicately into my mailbox mere hours after my original Scott Baio post? You're telling me that Scott Baio Is 45...and Single isn't the typical celebreality that we're used to from Vh1? You say that this "low-key show is all about growth," as opposed to "glorified celeb train wrecks" do you? Well, I'll have to see it first. Although I will say, one little tidbit of information that peaks my interest of which I was not previously aware is that Jason Hervey, aka The Wonder Years' Dwayne Arnold, is "in Baio's entourage." I wonder if he still owns that yellow and orange striped shirt they always seemed to have him in, episode after episode? I wonder if he still keeps in touch with Fred Savage, or Danica McKellar? Hmmm...maybe Vh1 could do a reality show based around the life of Jason Hervey instead. Just something to consider.

ps- US Weekly also informs me that Nicole Richie is indeed pregnant. According to Us, Richie was photographed on June 29th looking "unusually bosomy." That's the medical term, right?

Hey Vh1, Got a Minute?

You know, as a television channel, you've had a real knack lately for exposing the seedy, ugly underbelly of former child stars. You gave us the hard-drinking, hard-drugging ways of Danny Bonaduce in Breaking Bonaduce, but that didn't really bother me, as I was never a big Partridge Family fan myself. You took it a step further with Celebrity Fit Club, showing us how much of a douchebag Dustin "Screech" Diamond has become in his post-SBTB struggle for life, as well as how fat Maureen "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" McKormick got after life as the perfect Brady ended. Again, these 'revelations' didn't bother me so much because, a. Who really didn't suspect Screech was a dick, and b. Marcia Brady getting fat is kind of the equivalent of the perfect, usually mean, popular girl you sat behind in high school showing up at the reunion with an extra thirty pounds on her. Petty satisfactions derived from personal insecurities and grudges are some of the best to be had.

So never let it be said that I don't have a (somewhat sick) appreciation for the exposed deterioration of a child star.

But this, Vh1? With this, you've gone too far. When I was in grade school, there was nothing I loved more than returning home from school, tossing my bookbag on the kitchen counter, pouring up a nice bowl of Cracklin' Oat Bran, and watching a little tele. Now, as I got older, Saved by the Bell and California Dreams would fall into sydication, thus occupying my afternoon television hour (s). Still, in the early years, my heart belonged to one show and one show only: Charles in Charge. Oh, how I wanted Charles to be in charge of my days and my nights, my wrongs and my rights. When I think about Scott Baio, I want to remember sweet ol' Charles gently scolding brainy Sarah and sexy Jamie, or happening onto one of Adam or Buddy's hairbrained schemes. I want to think about how warm and fuzzy the theme song made me feel, just upon hearing those opening notes. What I don't want to think about is Scott Baio's "mid-life crisis of mythic proportions." According to Vh1,

Each episode, he will have to confront another chapter from his semi-sordid past, by actually reconnecting with some of his most substantial and combustible flames in order to get the bottom of his bad-boy behavior.

I don't want to know about Scott Baio's bad boy behavior! I just don't. Way to pee on another one of my childhood memories, Vh1. What's next? An expose of Stacie Keanan's foray into prostitution after My Two Dads? And whatever happened to that baby dinosaur from Dinosaurs? I'm sure he's cracked out somewhere; maybe you could haul him in for a reality show or two. Sigh. Just don't touch any of the cast from Just the Ten of Us, okay Vh1? I don't think my heart could take it.

Dear Sweet Lord...

Let us break the aforementioned moment of silence for this little bit of gossip. If it's true, may God rest our souls. Wasn't Nicole Richie getting knocked up one of the signs of the Apocalypse? Check the Bible; I swear it's in there.

On another note, I feel really bad for Lionel Richie in this interview. Doesn't it seem like Nicole has been giving him the silent treatment, and he just hasn't caught on? That's the worst.

On another note, I've been trying to coin a phrase for these celebrity baby posts, and I've got two that I'm wrestling with: celebabies, and celebritots. Preferences, people? The future of all Suri/Shiloh/"Dear God, how did my mom even become pregnant with me, she weighs 85 pounds!?!-Richie" posts is in your hands.

A Moment of Silence...

...as another Fourth of July passes, and we think back to older days, better days, the days of the Saved by the Bell: Malibu Sands episodes. Think back specifically to a little episode the writers cleverly deemed "The Fourth of July," in which one Lisa Turtle, one Kelly Kapowski, one Jesse Spanno, and one Stacey Carosi competed for the glory and honor of the Miss Liberty Pageant crown. A moment of silence for Stacey Carosi's dress. Remember the spangles? The way the red, white and blue sequins were sewn to resemble fireworks exploding all over her body, indeed representative of the fiery little firecracker that she herself was? Remember poor Kelly and her dress that appeared to be homemade out of special edition Fourth of July napkins? And Jesse in her statue of liberty costume (Frankly, I've seen better. In fact, I saw better yesterday, to be specific.)? Remember the speeches? How to Stacey, the Fourth of July was all about "family and freedom, fireworks and friends. That's the fourth." Never let it be said that Stacey Carosi didn't know how to use alliteration to her advantage. It seemed like it was going to work, too, until Kelly pulled out the forefathers card. You can't beat the forefathers card in a Fourth of July pageant. Well played, Kapowski, well played. A moment of silence indeed...

Stephanie Tanner!

I guess we know how Jodie Sweetin spent all of the money she saved by quitting crystal meth.

Spice Girls Reunion Tour

This news makes me wanna really really really wanna zigazig ahhhh. Maybe they could secure Ace of Base as an opening act. That would pretty much make my life complete. I hope they all have fun new "Spice" names. For instance, instead of being "Scary" Spice, Mel B. could be "I got knocked up by Eddie Murphy and he didn't want to claim the baby as his own but I made him get a paternity test and it proved he was the father and now his bitch ass is gonna pay" Spice.

NUMBER SEVEN!!

Dear God. I almost forgot about this song.

Uncle Jesse!

D-listed has posted a Youtube video of John Stamos being interviewed for some Australian talk show with a severe case of "jet lag," which apparently causes all sorts of fun slurring of words, random requests for vodka, etc. Hey, "jet lag" has never had those kind of effects on me, but my name's not Jesse Katsopolis. In honor of the video, my top ten John Stamos moments (only two of which are not from Full House, because really, what else has he done?)

1. The Full House episode in which Uncle Jesse, deciding that the band Jesse and the Rippers needs a revamped image, descends the Smash Club stage suspended by a rope, flapping his arms and making vulture cries.
2. The mullet of season one, along with the turquoise henley tee and black jeans.
3. The "have mercy" that fell from Uncle Jesse's lips every time Aunt Becky would lay one on him.
4. "Michelle's Smiling." Beautiful songwriting, people.
5. When former Stamos wife, Rebecca Romijn, announced that the first time they had sex was at Disneyland, which completely ruins the fact that Uncle Jesse and Rebecca "Aunt Becky" Donaldson got married at Disneyland.
6. The propel fitness water commercial that he's in, mainly because I can't figure out for the life of me why the hell he's in it.
7. Number seven...hmmm, numberrrrrrr seven.

Ummmm...it's really hard to come up with ten. We'll just leave it at Wednesday's Top Six. You know, quality over quantity, and all that.

Quick!

Somebody do this test on Tom Cruise!

Um...Okay

When I think about Nicole Kidman, several questions come to mind. What was going through her head when she decided to star in the remake of Bewitched? What does she really think of Tom and Katie? Why did she get paid 12 million dollars to twirl around in a dress and proclaim "I'm a dancer! I love to dance!!" in that Baz Luhrmann-directed two minute long Chanel ad? Why does she keep insisting on dying her hair blonde when she looks so amazing as a redhead? etc, etc, etc.

When I think about Nicole Kidman, one thing that never comes to mind is Nintendo. Apparently that's all about to change.

Baby Genius

Somebody needs to get this kid on Kid Nation, but somehow I have a feeling it's going to more like this kid.

More Fall TV Delight...

Please tell me who allows their child to participate in this.

The Reality Show We've All Been Waiting For...

Brought to you of course by Vh1: the Salt n' Pepper reunion show. Awesome.

Finally!

Jess, you cutie pie! You totally took my advice!*

*see paragraph 4

Oh, Ms. Tyra

You know, I always wonder what exactly Tyra means when she urges the girls to be fierce on America's Next Top Model. I think this pretty much encapsulates it. Yow.

Candy Spelling Hits Again

Apparently her letters to Paris and Joe Francis only served to whet her appetite. Candy Spelling sent this letter to Britney Spears, again via TMZ. And you know, she actually pretty much says what the rest of us have been thinking concerning the Britney situation for last last eight months. So to you, Candy Spelling, I say "Brava!" Of course, it's still pretty strange for you to be sending out these random letters, and it's a little strange also that you feel you have the right to judge these people when your own daughter is a homewrecking husband-stealer and your son is walking around town dressed like this at the age of 29. But, ahem, my initial message to you was brava, and brava it shall stay. After all, someone needs to let Britney know that the obvious solution to so many of these problems is simply to " Visit someone famous in jail and attract a zillion photographers." Ah, because what Britney needs is more attention from the photogs. Wait, huh? Candy, that doesn't make much sense. But I can't stay mad at you, you crazy old bat. Brava, Candy, brava.

Cute

Looks like Mrs. Cruise got a new haircut, which I was totally digging until someone pointed out this.

Nancy Drew and the Case of the Outer Undergarment Dress

You know, I read a lot of Nancy Drew as a child. I mean, sure, there were other series that I held closer to my heart. In fact, because it's top ten Wednesday, that list would probably go a little something like this:

1. Sweet Valley High
2. Sweet Valley Twins and Friends (No, they are NOT the same.)
3. The Baby-Sitter's Club
4. Fear Street
5. Nightmare Hall
6. Goosebumps
7. The Boxcar Children
8. The Laura Ingalls Wilder collection
9. A series whose name I cannot for the life of me remember involving two mystery solving sisters (I think one of the girls was named Cris...although now that I think about it, that seems a little suspect. Is anyone really named Cris? Sigh...). The only title I remember in said collection: The Jellybean Scheme. PLEASE contact me if you remember this series. Thank you.
10. Nancy Drew

ANYWAY...my whole point here is that, though I reached for Elizabeth and Jessica first, I had my fair share of Nancy as well. I liked the old-fashionedness of it all: the fact that the girls (Nancy, Bess, and George) were referred to as "sleuths;" the fact that Nancy's bf's name was Ned (which just sounds old-fashioned); and especially, especially, especially the covers. I loved the Nancy Drew book covers. Nancy was always crouching down, peering into a window, furtively hauling away a clock/charm/locket/diary/candlestick, etc. And she was always dressed quite smartly. Which is why this saddens me. Emma Roberts, young niece of the lovely Julia Roberts, is the star of the soon to be released film, Nancy Drew (tagline: "Get a Clue").

To be honest, I have no beef with Emma Roberts. Pre-"stardom," she often graced the pages of my Teen Vogue's, and she always looked pretty good. I mean, she's cute, she seems sweet, and she certainly has the connections needed to make it big in Hollywood. But I still don't want to see a sixteen year old walking around with the imprint of a black lace bra on her otherwise sensible, chic gray sheath. I just don't. Especially when that girl is just months away from bringing to life one of the much-loved literary figures of my childhood. Next thing you know, they'll cast Mary Kate and Ashley in the big screen adaptation of Sweet Valley High. Which actually, now that I think about it, would be nothing short of phenomenal.

Au Revoir, Katie

Well, Katie is heading away from my hometown as I write this. Sadly, it has become very clear to me all too late how easy it would have been to befriend Mrs. Cruise. All I had to do was don my giant cupcake costume. Oh well...good to know for next time.

Brilliant

Seriously? A reality tv show about a TANNING SALON?? I mean, I know it's summer, and I know that almost anything can be translated into a reality tv show (ahem, My Super Sweet 16), but COME ON! There has got to be something more interesting out there to base a reality show around. I remember one day in the office, a certain young fiction fellow pontificated on the prospect of a tv show based on the lives of young writers in MFA programs. Doesn't seem so bad now, does it?

This Bird Has Flown...

Well, that didn't last long.

Wednesday Top Ten

In order to liven things up a bit, I've resorted to a weekly top ten topic. Although, considering how much fun it is making up top ten lists, this might become a more frequent event. In honor of my earlier Katie Holmes post, I give you:

Top Ten Celebrities I Really, Truly Think I Could Be Very Good Friends With

1. Keri Russell. She just seems so sweet in a completely unassuming way. Very down to earth. Plus, she used to be a dancer, so I could bug her with questions about the dance world: is it really like Center Stage/The Turning Point/The Company? I could also ask her questions about one of my favorite shows of all time, the little remembered Malibu Shores. And I could ask her if Scott Foley or Scott Speedman is a better kisser? Or (gasp) Simon Rex? And I could ask her if Amy Jo Johnson is as annoying in real life as the characters she portrays on television (and by television I mean Felicity and about twenty Lifetime Original Movies). The list of questions goes on and on.
2. Katie Holmes, whom I would ask considerably less questions, as I do not wish to be offed by a member of the Scientology maffia.
3. Lindsay Lohan, circa 2004. This was a precious time in La Lohan's life. She was still riding the high of Mean Girls and newly developed, huge breasts, but hadn't yet been hospitalized on the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded due to heat exhaustian. This first hospitalization would lead to the twenty pound weight loss that would lead to music producer Tony Mattola telling her how good she looked, which would lead to another twenty pounds down the drain via drugs, starvation, etc., which would lead to mood swings and paranoia, which would lead to her being dumped by Wilmer and thus would lead to La Lohan being tied to a string of dirty (Stavros Niarchos, Jude Law) and dirtier (Calum Best) men, which would lead to more drugs and alcohol, which would lead to a mean letter from a movie producer, a car wreck, rehab, a car wreck, and rehab. Whew. La Lohan 2004, however, is a friend that everyone needs. This is the friend who will go out and get just a little bit drunker than you every night you go out, thus leading you to say in the morning, "Yeah, but at least I wasn't as wasted as YOU were!" If you kiss a boy, La Lohan 2004 flashes another one. If you wake up not knowing where your bra went, La Lohan stumbles into the living room wearing only a t-shirt, no underwear. She makes you feel clean by being just a little bit dirtier than you. Which leads me to...
4. Jennifer Garner, who has the opposite effect. She is always going to be a little bit sweeter, a little bit cleaner, and a little bit more like Martha Stewart that you will ever be. It's called balance, people.
5. Sandrah Oh. Just someone I think I'd want on my side.
6. Alexis Bleidel, aka Rory Gilmore, because deep down I'm pretty sure she's a badass. Plus, it would lead to a bonus friendship with Lauren Graham, aka Lorelai Gilmore.
7. Maggie Gyllenhaal
8. Rachel McAdams
9. Ginnifer Goodwin, a la "Big Love," even though the spelling of her name annoys me, and she's dating the highly obnoxious ex of my #2 BFF, Katie Holmes.
10. *cough* Kelly Ripa *cough* I'm sorry!!! I LOVE HER!! I can't help it...I completely understand how untolerable she is at best, and yet I still LOVE HER. It's shameful, I know.


There you have it. Now I just have to start sending out letters and friendship bracelets. Surely one of these ladies would be friends with me?

yowza

Does anyone else think that Salma Hayek got REALLY pregnant REALLY fast? And I thought her breasts were out of control before...

Loose doo-doo? Never heard of it...

The temptation to somehow use this in my composition class is too much. I mean, it is the "argot of young people," after all.

No Fair!!!!

I want a thank you note from Katie Holmes!!!!

Oh, Lindsay...

Whew! Got back from vacation just in time for La Lohan's fateful DUI crash. Any guesses on what'll happen next? Oh well...at least she has the success of Georgia Rule to cheer her up in these trying times. Maybe she'll go to jail and have a cell next to Paris', and they can finally come to terms over the whole firecrotch issue. See Lindsay? It's all about being able to see the silver lining.

this is hilarious...

Candy Spelling is crazy...and yet, I can somehow totally see my own grandmother doing something like this.

DAMN IT!!!

It has been literally less than two hours since my last post, and I just found this. Nothing in my life is fair.

Searching for Katie

As those who know me can attest to, nothing interests me more than celebrities, and, though I hate to make such a strong statement, and will ultimately end up regretting this, I dare say no celebrity interests me more than our dear, sweet Katie Holmes, aka Kate Cruise. I don't know why I'm so interested. It goes beyond the whole TomKat thing, because I loved her before that. I loved watching her get punk'd on MTV, because she just seems SO genuinely sweet and at a complete loss for words the whole time. I loved it when she went on that MTV show Diary before the release of her movie First Daughter. While on Diary, she talked about how embarassing it is when her mother buys her underwear, and she also got excited when she realized how well her pedicure matched the argyle sweater she was wearing at the time.

I think my love for Katie also has very much to do with my love for the only role people really remember her for, that of Joey Potter (which sucks, because the movie Pieces of April was actually quite good. You should rent it. Seriously.). My love for Joey really blossomed in the third season, when she and Pacey finally got together. But I liked her in the first season too, especially when she sang "On My Own" from Les Mis in a really nasally voice that everyone pretended was amazing. There was also an episode in the second season when Joey wore the exact same Gap jeans and light purple flannel Abercrombie shirt (which I still have, by the by) that I had been LIVING in my sophomore year of high school. So that might have had something to do with it.

BUT. Whatever the reason may be, certainly Katie is someone who has come to fascinate many people as of late. In the past three years, she's gone from being a sweet, unassumingly pretty young actress to one half of one of the world's most talked about couples. Back in my Sycamore Review blogging days, I posted this little number in which I pondered the whereabouts of Tom and Katie's mysterious baby, aptly nicknamed by the press "Tomkitten," which is kind of cute and endearing in a way that the unfortunate actual name of the child, Suri, is not. Still, once the pictures finally surfaced, I couldn't help but feeling a little bit, okay, a lot, of love for the youngest of the Cruise clan.

Unlike the somewhat nebulous origins of my love for Katie, the reasons for my fascination with this baby are pretty easy to pinpoint: as a baby, I myself was the ugly version of young Ms. Suri. It's true! I know what it's like to look mildly-Asian as a baby, despite having two very caucasian parents. I know what it's like to spend the first year of your life looking like you're wearing a baby wig. It ain't fun, people. Of course, to top it off, I had a tail, but that's a whole other blog post.

So, bearing in mind my somewhat formidable fascination with Katie and Suri, you can imagine my excitement upon hearing the news that Katie would be spending a couple of months in Shreveport, Louisiana (my hometown), filming the first film she's signed on to since dating/marrying/having the alien baby of Tom Cruise.

I returned home last week, beau in tow, and spent four days with my eyes peeled. I was practically drooling as my parents pointed out the various houses she has been rumored to have taken up residence in since arriving about a month ago. No sign of Katie or Suri. She's rumored to be a big runner, so every morning as I took my own little jog around the Pierre Bayou trail, I ran through various dialogue exchanges should our paths happen to cross. "Oh, that's right, I heard you were in town," I imagined myself saying casually as we stretched our hamstrings, leaning on the same bench. "I really enjoyed Thank You for Smoking. Do you really think it was an accident that the sex scene was left out of the screening at Sundance? Ha, yeah, me either." And so on, and so forth.

But alas. No Katie on the trail either. No Katie at the grocery store, or the local tavern. No Katie at the new Starbucks. No Katie at Target, where only two weeks ago she was rumored to have arrived with police escorts. No Katie, no Katie, no Katie.

I can only believe that some cruel twist of scientology kept us apart. But I'll be back in August, Katie. Or Kate. Do you prefer Kate, really? Maybe I'll just call you Kay-Kay. We can meet up for lunch at Earthereal. My treat. And when we do finally meet, I'll try and play it cool, but I have a feeling my words will sound strikingly similar to what Honey, the character who plays Hugh Grant's sister in the little remembered but actually pretty decent romantic comedy Notting Hill, exclaims to Julia Roberts' character Anna Scott, actress and celebrity extrordinaire, upon unexpectedly meeting her at a dinner party:

"Oh God, this is one of those key moments in life, when it's possible you can be really, genuinely cool - and I'm failing 100%. I absolutely and totally and utterly adore you and I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world and more importantly I genuinely believe and have believed for some time now that we can be best friends. What do YOU think?"

Jessica, Jessica Simpson...You've Got It All Wrong

Who knew Adam Green would prove so prophetic in that song? The MET had their annual Costume Institute Gala the other night. This event is one of the top fashion events of the year, a chance for every celebrity to see and be seen. I like this event because I feel like celebrities are always willing to take much bigger risks with their fashion choices for this gala than for, say, the Oscars. The celebs have been doing well at the Oscars, Emmys, and Golden Globes for the past couple of years, so much so to the point that it's become almost boring to watch. What happened to the good ol' days when we got Bjork wrapped in a swan, or Lara Flynn Boyle in that tutu? Yeah, the major award shows have gone the way of style and class. Sigh.

BUT. We still have the Costume Institute Gala. Where celebs are willing to wear things like this. And this. Some risks pay off. Others don't. Some people managed to rock what for all intents and purposes seems to be a cleverly disguised 1982 prom dress. Others looked hungry for baby brains. But what I really want to talk about in this post is Jessica Simpson. I mean, really? Really, Jessica? I think everyone has noticed that you're undergoing some *ahem* changes. The whole brown hair thing (which I actually don't mind, although I think you look better as a blonde.), the new beau, etc. And I don't mind the changes. You got divorced in a very public way, and came out looking like the bad guy. Your album was, um, not as successful as you'd hoped it would be. In fact it was a total failure. As were your two movies. And your clothing line. And your shoe line. And your line of wigs.

So. I don't think any of us blame you for feeling like you need a bit of a change in your life. But really, is turning yourself into a drag queen the answer? The dress, the boobs, the lipstick, the tan...it's all TOO MUCH! But what scares me most about this is that I fear we're heading quickly back into this territory. Anyone remember these days? Pre-Lachey, Jess made some pretty bad choices. I remember reading an interview with her in the first, blissful days of Newlyweds, and she kept stressing how much more comfortable she felt with herself and her body now that she was with someone who really supported her, really loved her for who she was. She didn't feel like she needed all the makeup and tanning and cropped football jersey outfits to be sexy, because she had Nick. How did the song go? "With nothing but a t-shirt on, I never felt so beautiful, baby as I do now...now that I'm with you."

Sweet Jesus Jess, put the t-shirt BACK ON. Seriously. John Mayer seems like a laid back guy. I'm sure he, like Nick, would prefer you just wear a t-shirt than wear this. Or this. You know what? You don't even have to wear a t-shirt. Remember the days when you went out looking fabulous, but classy? Remember what a good time that was? Sigh. I never thought I'd say this, but Jessica, maybe you should take a look at Ashlee. While you were busy exposing your breasts to the point that they probably deserve their own managing team, she somehow went all classy and pretty on us. Will wonders never cease?

Ooh! Artsy pinata pictures!

starring...Richard and Jaimie!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

A recipe in honor of the day (and by special request from Davo, the Cuatro de Mayo king):

Easy "Homemade" salsa:

1 small jar store-bought salsa (hence the "homemade" part)

1 red bell pepper, chopped

1 orange bell pepper, choppped

1 jalapeno pepper, seeds removed (or left in, if you're brave...can you take the heat?), minced

1 red onion, chopped

1 garlic clove, minced

1 15 oz. can black beans, drained and rinsed

1 15 oz. can sweet corn, drained

1 avocado, cubed

1 cup fresh, chopped cilantro (you can use less if you're not a cilantro fiend, like me)

the fresh-squeezed juice of 1 lime

salt and red pepper to taste

Mix it all up. Put it in a pretty bowl. Pour yourself a margarita. You done good.

I hate to say I told you so...

...but dear God last night was awful. I actually really do hate it that I was right in my predictions, because I really do like Kate Walsh. But dear God last night was awful. The warning signs were there from the very beginning, such as the fact that the writers/producers/WHOEVER chose to intersperse the new Addison-based series with the regular Grey's episode, rather than showing them sequentially. Ah, the old bait and hook. Clearly they knew that given the choice, viewers would turn off the Addison series within the first fifteen, maybe twenty minutes. Probably about thirty seconds after that voice spoke to her in the elevator, if we're being totally honest here. And so they gave us no choice. Of course I'm going to watch, because I want to see Sandra Oh in a wedding dress. So not only were the Addison segments painful to watch out of sheer badness, I was also feeling very, very resentful towards the cunning bastards who decided to exploit my addiction to the regular characters of Grey's for the benefit of the new show. I mean, it was a smart move and all, but after a few glasses of wine, I was pretty pissed off.

But now onto the actual segments themselves, and why they were so bad, so very, very bad. First of all, I was having a hard time grasping who half the characters were in the first place. It seemed like all of the male characters were really just ripped off versions of Alex Karev, and I didn't care about any of them. There was severe lack of character development going on here, with the men and women. Apparently, the writers had two main strategies for attempting to divert our attention away from said lack:

1. Feed the viewers SO MUCH FREAKIN' HISTORY that they get so bogged down with trying to figure it all out they can't even remember their own name, much less notice how much the characters suck. Someone's divorced from someone else and they both went to med school with Addison and now they work with a sex addict who is "just friends but who are they kidding" with another person they work with who dated some old guy who wasn't the marrying type who's now married to someone who can't be older than 25. And that doesn't even cover Tim "maybe they'll just automatically like me because I played Joe Hackett on Wings and everybody loved that show" Daly's character. Whose name escapes me. Yeah. A lot of information about a lot of characters that I developed a lot of disdain for within the first ten minutes or so.

2. Distract the viewers with sex! Sex! SEX!!! I mean, yeah, it's a good tension builder, and yeah, people are interested in sex, but COME ON. Every single freakin' plot line? The sex addict pediatrician. The sex-obsessed kind-hearted player who used to be Joe Hackett. And smaller things too: Addison's little elevator revelation at the beginning (which was so not Addison). Addison's makeout session with the sex-obsessed kind-hearted player who used to be Joe Hackett (also so not Addison). And my personal favorite: the fact that, to "relax," these assumably intelligent women doctors settle down into the waiting room couch and watch the surfer receptionist make his way through the office with his surfboard. With no shirt on. There are so many things wrong with that, but we'll leave it at the fact that, more than being offensive or sexist or whatever, it's just stupid.

Bad show. Very, very bad show. Let's all hope, for Kate Walsh's sake, that the producers realize this as well, and allow Addison to simply return to Seattle Grace and remain there. We can all pretend that what we saw last night just never happened, and continue on with a new, fresh appreciation for how good we have it with regular ol' Grey's.

The Completion of Summer Project #1

Et voila...

Let the Countdown to the Grey's Spinoff Begin

I swear, I'll blog about things other than Grey's Anatomy. But tonight is a BIG night. Reasons why I absolutely do not think this spinoff will work:

1. Do we REALLY care about Addison that much? I mean, yeah, she's got great hair, and she's kind of sassy, and I liked it when she danced with the Chief a few episodes back. And she gave us one of the Greatest Moments of Grey's Anatomy, when she walked into Seattle Grace on the finale of season one, smirked at Meredith with disdain and said, "You must be the intern who's sleeping with my husband." BAM. That was a cliffhanger. And that was an entrance. Unfortunately, I have a feeling deep within my soul that her exit will not be quite as affective.

2. Along with the question, Do we really care about Addison that much, I think we must ask ourselves if we really think that Kate Walsh is a good enough actress to carry a new show all on her own. Nothing annoys me more than when an actor turns his or her back on the very show that made them a star in the first place. Does Kate Walsh not remember David Caruso and his self-implemented departure from NYPD Blue? Did she not see the movie Jade? (Whose tagline, quite accurately, was "Sometimes fantasies go too far." I'll say. Poor David Caruso and his fantasy that he might actually have a career in feature films.) Although I'll always be grateful for Caruso leaving, as it allowed Mark-Paul Gosselaar to re-enter the world of television (and actually achieve no small amount of redemption), I don't think you'll find a single person who would argue that it was a good career move. And spinoffs are especially hard...remember the debacle that was Joey? All I'm saying is, the odds are against her.

3. The premise of the show, according to US Weekly, is as follows:

"Addison road-trips to Santa Monica, California to visit her med school pals, who now run a chic wellness clinic-- replete with a new-agey shaman!"

Look, I'm already getting a little bit sick of Miranda's charity clinic. Do I really want to devote an hour of my life to watching a tv show about a 'chic wellness clinic' ? Just that description gets on my nerves.

But hey, it could be great. Only time will tell. In any case, US Weekly also says that this week's episode will have Sandra Oh searching for a wedding dress, which I have a feeling will be nothing less than great. Now she could have a spinoff. I'd watch that shit.

The post that consists of a funny celebrity quote

Drew Barrymore on being chosen for the cover of People magazine's "50 Most Beautiful People" issue:

"It made my peacock feathers shine in the golden-hour light and extend to the heavens."

Man...my peacock feathers never do that. My life sucks.

Also...

...I'm not sure when Von's started adding this little piece of advice to the bottom of their receipts, but I like it. I try, Von's, I try.

Summer = Time to Read for Pleasure!!!

A quick trip to the basement of Von's bookstore this morning resulted in the purchase of the above stack of books. Let the summer reading begin. Now I just have to decide where I want to start. Do I take on the most difficult (Of Human Bondage, of course) right away? Or ease in slow with say, Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, a nonfiction nature narrative? This would be a safe bet for a couple of reasons:

1. I just finished her memoir An American Childhood and am a little bit in love with her. Annie Dillard = amazing, pretty much.

2. It won the Pulitzer.

3. On the back of the book, Melvin Maddocks calls it "a remarkable psalm of terror and celebration." Um, yes please.

Then again, my father has hold me no fewer than 10 times and with no small amount of seriousness in his voice that Of Human Bondage will teach me the meaning of life. It usually comes up at the dinner table. "It will teach you the meaning of life," he says, very simply. "Pass the asparagus."

Maybe I should just start with Anne Sexton. Summer is nothing if not the the time to depress oneself reading the letters of a suicidal poet.

Von's was also carrying what looked to be the entire series of The Babysitter's Club in their young adult section. It might have been a huge mistake to pass them up. If I'm still thinking about it tomorrow, I'm going back. I owe it to my eight year-old self to at least buy one or two.

Ellen Pompeo Part Deux

In the interest of blowing Casey's mind a bit further...the comments on the previous Ellen Pompeo post were questioning the "real" Ellen Pompeo. To complicate this issue a bit further, I give you Ellen Pompeo on the Ellen DeGeneres show (exactly Friday one year ago, mind you). Now THAT is what I call a change in accent. I also like how she freaks out about having to order off of the Mexican restaurant menu..."Um, um, um, um, NACHOS WITH EVERYTHING!!!" It's almost like she hardly ever eats out, or something. Weird.

the post where I talk about grey's anatomy

Specifically, the character of Meredith Grey. Whom I hate. I will say, she has gotten better these last few episodes, as the whining has ceased and we've actually seen her (gasp!) smile a few times. But as one of my friends pointed out at dinner the other night, Grey's Anatomy has a problem that seems to afflict a lot of television shows: their main character is really, really annoying. Dawson Leary? Annoying as hell. Angela Chase? SOOOOO annoying (and come on, she was up against Brian Krakow and Rayanne Graff...you know it's bad when you come off as annoying even next to those two). Lauren Conrad? Okay, refreshingly less annoying on The Hills than she was on Laguna Beach, but again, I think it's an issue of the juxtaposition: all she has to do is keep hanging out with Heidi and Spencer, and there's no way she'll be the most annoying person on that show.

But I digress. The conversation I was having with my friends gradually turned to Ellen Pompeo getting punk'd on MTV a few seasons back, an episode which surprisingly few people saw. And this is unfortunate, because it is AMAZING. I think the reason that I hold Meredith in such disdain is because, after viewing said Punk'd episode, I realized just how freakin' crazy Ellen Pompeo is in real life. She is a badass bitch. And not a "Hollywood" badass bitch (ahem, Courtney Love...), but truly, truly, a badass bitch. She is a badass bitch who will cut you. She is a badass bitch who will (as you will see) go to lunch in what appears to be an angelic, white, flowy nightgown, and then proceed to say of the waitress, "I just can't believe this broad is sweating me like this at this table...she'll get attention. She'll get it from the prongs right in her clavicle." And all of this while delicately eating crab cakes (that apparently don't do much for her). If that's not the anti-Meredith, I don't know what is.

Go here to see the awesomeness that is Ellen Pompeo being punk'd.

the post where I brag about my plant not being dead

I've had it since January. I know this means nothing to most people, but I could kill an oak tree in a week if you put me in charge of it. She's pretty, yes?

the post where I talk about summer projects

I love summer projects. Half of the time, I don't complete them, and the other half of the time they usually look like complete crap, but God bless me, I love summer projects. Early this morning, my beau and I slipped out to Goodwill. Goodwill is usually a bust for me, but this morning I found a nifty little bookshelf that had my name all over it. As a graduate student in poetry, I have, unsurprisingly, a large amount of books, and am therefore always looking for new ways to store said livres. The books that have been resting on my window sill, developing unslightly bends and ridges from being stacked too high, now have a home in my new Goodwill find. But the bookshelf is an ugly color, two steps away from pepto bismol pink. Enter summer project #1: paint the shelves. I'm thinking red. Here's the bookshelf, pre-paint (yes, I already put some books in it...I wanted to see how many could fit (a surprisingly large number). And it was new and exciting!)

the first post...

Reasons why I have decided to start my own blog:

1. I'm bored. It's Indiana. It's summer (or about to be). Summer begins with feelings of pure bliss. The temperature has risen above thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, seventy (gasp!) degrees, and has settled happily in the low-eighties. This is a blessing for the first week, then I remember how much it sucks to get the sweats like Britney mid-withdrawal the minute I step out my front door. Good times, Indiana, good times. Way to get ALL OF THE WEATHER THAT SUCKS. Ahem. But I'm not bitter. I'm just hot. And bored. So that's reason number one.
2. Celebrities posts were banned, or "reigned in," from my previous blogging outlet, sycamorereview.com. Now, I still hold that blog very close to my heart. But let's face it: if I'm not blogging about celebrities, do I really have all that much to say? Let the others blog eloquently on the state of contemporary fiction; I'll be over here blogging about Posh and Katie.
3. Disregard my previous reason. I can blog about things other than celebrities. I WILL blog about things other than celebrities. Food. My dog. My cat. ummmm....surely I'll come up with more as the summer goes on.

And thus, not with a whimper but a bang (ah, you see what I did there?), let the blogging begin!